The Pursuit of Happiness
by accidentalartistry
Summary: Ever since her childhood, all Quinn Fabray ever wanted was to be happy.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Glee belongs to Ryan and Co., not me. I like to point out the obvious.**

.

Since she was a child, all Quinn Fabray ever wanted was to be happy.

"You're going to marry a rich man," her mother tells her at the age of six. "He'll be handsome, too. You'll have a successful career. You'll be able to shop all you want, and go on exotic trips. You're going to have children who are just as beautiful as you. That's what I did, and I'm the happiest woman in the world."

As time goes on, she thinks about this. Wonders if this is really how to be happy, or simply her mother's idea of it. No. Of course it's the right way- her mother is always right, after all.

.

She sees a pair of shoes in the window of her favourite store at age seven. They're pink and sparkly. She's seen Betsy Winston wearing the exact same ones at school. Even Rachel Berry wants them. She'll never get them, of course, and it would be nice to have something over the girl who is always nice to her, even when she doesn't want her to be.

"I want them, Mother!" she exclaims, tugging on her mother's hand and dragging her forward. Her mother smiles and gives a small laugh.

"All right, Lucy," she says.

Ad the cashier slides the shoe box into a bag, her mother turns to her. "I hope having these shoes does make you feel happy."

Lucy nods anxiously. "They do."

"Good," her mother says. "If buying shoes is what it takes to keep my precious little girl happy, then that's what we'll do."

From that day, Lucy- later Quinn- does not hesitate to purchase whatever strikes her fancy, but she can't quite seem to shake the hollow feeling she gets inside every time.

.

"I didn't get the top score in the class," Lucy pouts one day after school to her father. "Aren't I supposed to be the smartest?"

"I'm sure you beat someone," her father says kindly.

"Yeah, but Brittany doesn't count," she huffs. Her father laughs.

"Tell you what? Caitlin did these subjects, too- we can get her to tutor you, and then you'll have the highest marks in the third grade. That would make you happy, wouldn't it?"

She smiles. "Of course."

She spends half her time studying and trying to bring home the best marks possible to please her parents, glowing in their praise. After a while, she starts to wonder if she's doing it for herself or for them.

.

"Lucy, I'm afraid you need glasses," the doctor says gently. Lucy's mouth falls open.

"I _can't _get classes!" she exclaims, alarmed. "Artie Abrams is the only one who wears glasses, and he's in a _wheelchair. _I don't want to have to hang out with just him."

"Lucy," her mother says, a warning tone in her voice.

"I'm sorry, but this problem won't be fixed without them," the doctor replies. "But maybe when you're a bit older we could look into contacts. It might make you a bit happier."

She sighs. "All right."

Glasses attempt to ruin her life. The kids whisper behind her back, and she cries sometimes. However, the jokes and mean remarks eventually die down, and she's admitted back to her usual lunch table, leaving rejects like Rachel Berry and Artie Abrams behind.

.

Just before graduation in the fifth grade, her parents sit her down to have a chat.

They're moving.

She's not completely sure what to say to this. She doesn't know where this new school is, and certainly doesn't know anyone there. Clearly, though, she isn't expected to take the news well, as her sister locks herself up in her room, and doesn't speak to their father for three days. So she follows Caitlin's example.

Her parents do talk her around. They tell her of the lovely patio the new house will have, and the bigger closet she'll get. They speak of all the wonderful friends she'll make at her new junior high.

She's entirely sold.

As she prepares to say good bye on the last day of school, she glances over at Rachel Berry, Artie Abrams, and Kurt Hummel. They're sitting in a little circle, passing around carrot sticks. She remembers how kind Rachel was to her as a kid. She thinks of how Artie always smiled at her in the halls, and how he has a _really _nice smile. She's reminded of the fact that Kurt has the best fashion sense of anyone she's ever seen.

For some reason, she almost thinks she'll miss them.

Except that's not allowed. So she gets up at her table.

"I'm moving," she says loudly, enough for everyone to hear, but not enough to make the teacher come to tell them off.

There are gasps, and then a bunch of people asking when, and why on earth didn't she tell them? She shrugs and says it would hurt too much.

As she sits back down, she sees that Rachel, Artie, and Kurt haven't even looked up and are still munching on their carrot sticks.

She'll be happier without them.

.

Junior high is a tough place. People are mean. They mock you for the most insignificant little things, and tease you for the clothes you wear. Knowing nobody certainly doesn't help.

Her glasses are laughed at all over again, and she feels a sense of déjà vu towards the whole situation. People don't think she dresses like she really should. Her nose is too much of a strange shape for them. Her hair is brown and thin, instead of thick and blonde.

In short, she is the social reject of the entire school, and it aches to think about.

Food is a small comfort to her. She discovers the joy of eating by at least the middle of the sixth grade. She takes extra helpings at dinner, packs twice as big a lunch, and gorges on junk food. She rarely exercises, and is soon not only the school's biggest loser, but also the chubbiest girl out of three grades. As she fills up, she's almost convinced she can fill the empty gap inside her, and maybe feel the tiniest bit of happiness.

It almost works.

.

In the seventh grade, she decides to find a place with the nerdy kids. She figures they can't laugh at her, given how similar her situation is to theirs, and that they'll welcome her with open arms.

Even they don't want her.

The debate team claims no one would take someone like her seriously. The math club says they don't allow girls. The newspaper makes an excuse about already being overstaffed.

She feels dejected. Even the kids who are widely regarded as enormous losers don't want her around.

It's because she's an even bigger one.

For the first time, she doesn't even try to pretend as if she's happy.

.

Boys and girls. Girls and boys. They're everywhere.

She notices both. She takes a second glance at the muscled arms of more mature teenage boys, but later catches herself giving the toned legs of a girl a brief look before she can stop herself. She doesn't know why. She finds the boys attractive. She likes looking at them.

The problem is, she likes looking at girls, too.

The answer to this could be very simple, but she refuses to accept what is obviously staring her in the face, reminding herself that it's wrong, and of ashamed her priest would be. She thinks of her parents, who would be appalled at her attractions to members of the same sex.

While in church one day, she looks around her. She can't help but notice lots of cute boys, as she has so often lately, but there are lots of cute girls, too. She tries to clear her mind of the idea, actually shaking it, as if to force it out.

Then she looks again.

That boy is attractive, and so is that girl. She could stare at either for quite a while, and have no problem. They're both appealing, and then finally, she wants to laugh, or cry, or at least feel _something. _She doesn't. All she feels is the truth of a cold, hard fact.

Bisexual.

She's a bit shocked at her revelation, but then takes a deep breath and lets it out. _It's okay, _she thinks. _Just because you like girls, it doesn't mean you don't like boys. Calm down. There's no need for it to be a big deal. It's not as if you have to date girls, anyway. Just focus on liking boys. _

The thought of telling her parents is horrifying. Impossible. She knows she won't be able to tell anyone in her church, either. Nor does she truly believe she has to, so long as she doesn't date any girls, or show interest in them. She can appear straight, if she tries.

At the same time, there's a feeling of relief that comes with admitting it to herself. Almost…pride.

Maybe some happiness.

.

When her dad gets transferred back over to their old district, she's not sure whether to cry with joy or be angry.

She wants to be away from this school. It's the thing she's wanted the most since she started here. At the same time, though, she would be transferring back to a place that would be sure to be filled with kids she had known in elementary school. It seems as if she can never win in any scenario.

"Lucy," her father asks her slowly, "is there any chance you might like to…take part in a sport?"

She knows he is telling her she has to lose some weight, but isn't sure how to put it. So she decides to put him out of his misery and simply agree.

"Okay."

The simple word makes both her parents faces light up.

"Wonderful!" her mother exclaims, clapping her hands together. "What sort of sport, sweetie?"

She thinks for a moment. "Soccer?"

Her mother shakes her head. "Definitely not. You'll get your clothes all dirty."

She ceases to remind her mother that she would be playing in a uniform, as running around a field kicking a black and white ball doesn't really hold much appeal for her, either.

"What about gymnastics?" Caitlin suggests, and a smile begins to spread across her father's face.

"That's a wonderful idea, Caity," he says warmly, causing her sister to scowl at the use of her childhood nickname.

"How about it, honey?" her mother probes, turning toward her.

She shrugs. "Okay."

Her mother claps her hands together again.

At least it makes someone happy.

.

As it turns out, she's really quite flexible. She manages to master the splits, cartwheels, and summer salts in her first class. Her teacher pulls her parents aside after class, speaking quietly.

"I think Lucy here has a lot of potential," she says, not bothering to see if she's out of earshot, "but her weight is certainly a problem. I would recommend she go on a special diet if she wants to succeed at this."

Her father whispers something in reply, and she thinks it sounds like an agreement.

She starts eating fruit for breakfast every day, salad for lunch- no dressing- and organic vegan soups for dinner. Anything to please her new coach.

In three months, she loses seventy pounds, pleasing her coach very much indeed. She graduates from junior high with a feeling of accomplishment.

"Daddy," she asks that summer, "isn't it time for me to get contacts?"

He observes her over his paper, and then gives a brisk nod. "Yes, I think it is. I'll make an appointment with the eye doctor for next week. Excellent idea."

She smiles daintily. "Oh, and one more thing?"

"Yes?"

"I want a nose job."

He looks at her sharply. "Are you sure you want that so young?"

She can't help but notice he doesn't say anything about her wanting one at all. "Yes, of course, Daddy."

"If you really want," he says, sighing as he gives in. She jumps up excitedly.

"Thank you, Daddy!" she squeals, giving him a hug. He hugs her back half heartedly.

After she receives her contacts, and has her surgery, she gets her mother to make an appointment at the hair salon to dye it.

"Whatever you like, dear," her mother says, and dials the number.

Coming home, her hair is a shimmering blonde colour she's decided to be very careful with. Her mother beams at her all the way back to the house, and when she gets to her room, she heads straight to the bathroom to apply her makeup.

She finally looks in the mirror. Her heart almost skips a beat.

She must be the prettiest fourteen year old girl she's ever seen. Her shimmering blonde hair looks wonderful with her beautiful green eyes, and makes her look at nearly sixteen. Her dress accentuates her slender waist, the colours of which make her skin appear even brighter. Her eyes shine, their colour bright and vibrant, and the makeup brings this out.

She could probably be a model.

"Lucy!" her mother calls from downstairs. "Time for dinner!"

She can't keep the look of elation off her face as she floats down the stairs.

"Oh, Lucy," her mother gaps upon seeing her, "you look beautiful."

She smiles grandly, ignoring the slight sensation of uneasiness in her stomach.

"Please," she says, "call me Quinn."

The new name alone is enough to convince her she's done the right thing.

.

For the first time in her life, Quinn is the prettiest girl in school, and she relishes her new position as the most popular freshman girl.

There are other girls, of course, who are also popular and pretty. Santana and Brittany are attractive girls, but they don't have the superior, regal stance she does. They don't have the ability to simply own it all as she does.

She sees kids from her elementary school on occasion. Kurt Hummel is always popping up in the hallways, although he's generally being slammed into a locker. Brittany, of course, is on the Cheerios with her. She's always seeing that Asian boy from her class in the first grade around.

She even sees that Berry girl and the wheelchair kid- Artie?

Rachel is someone you can either miss altogether or find it impossible to avoid. Sadly for Quinn, it's often the latter.

Rachel is _everywhere. _Sitting in front of her in math class, walking past her in the hall, or singing the National anthem in front of the school. She's never pleased to see her, knowing Rachel could see her for who she really is.

Somehow, though, she knows Rachel isn't that mean. If the girl knew about her sexuality, she would most likely be respectful enough to keep her mouth shut, having two gay dads- a fact Rachel enjoyed telling her often when they were young.

Artie is still the same boy in the wheelchair he always was. Occasionally, he smiles at her, and she could have sworn she once saw him checking her out, but she can't be too sure. He still has the nice smile he always did, though, and once in a while, she finds herself smiling back, before reminding herself she's not allowed to do that anymore.

For some reason, that fact doesn't make her happy. Not in the least.

.

Finn Hudson. Youngest quarterback on the football team in twenty years. Tall, attractive, and friendly.

She decides she has to have him.

It should be fairly easy, she reasons. Finn is not the brightest guy there is, and most guys in the school would kill for a chance to go out with her.

However, the school year is drawing to a close, and she knows if she wants him, she has to act fast.

"Hey," she says, touching him lightly on the arm after a game, "you were great out there." She flashes him her winning smile, and he smiles back, a bit confused- not surprising- but otherwise pleased.

"Hey, Quinn," he says.

"I was wondering," she says, fluttering her eyelashes, "if you might want to go have a drink at Breadsticks?"

Confusion flashes over his face again. "We're not old enough to drink," he says slowly.

"I know," she says, resisting the temptation to roll her eyes. "I mean something non-alcoholic. Soda, perhaps?"

"Yeah," he says, his face lighting up. "That would be great. Just let me change."

"Don't take too long," she says flirtatiously, giving a flutter of her fingers. He grins at her as he jogs off.

He takes her out to dinner. "Breadstix," he adds, and she nods, although she isn't entirely pleased with the venue.

"Sounds great," she says, flashing him another charming smile.

There's a silence as they wait for a table. She glances up at him briefly; he turns his head away.

"So…what part of town do you live in?" he asks awkwardly, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"The South end," she replies. She can't help but already be bored by this boy, and has to work to remind herself why she needs to be here.

"Your table is ready," an old waitress with blonde hair announces, and they follow her to the booth, both glancing at their feet every so often, as if trying to avoid looking at the other.

"How long have you been playing football?" she asks in an effort to start a conversation, because she knows that if this doesn't go well, Finn won't want to go out with her again, and she'll have lost her opportunity to have the perfect boyfriend.

"Since I was ten. My dad used to play, and my mom wanted me to, so I did. It's pretty fun," he says with a shrug.

"Does your dad help you practice?" she asks with a smile. He turns a little red at the question.

"Um, no," he coughs. "My dad died. When I was, like, one. Yeah. So, no."

Quinn turns a little red as well, and silently curses herself for being so tactless. "I'm sorry."

"Hey," he says, noticing her embarrassed look, "it's not your fault." He grasps her hand, and she feels sudden warmth spread through her. He smiles at her. "How about your parents?"

This question she is happy to answer. "My father is the head of a furniture company, and my mom is a real estate agent. I have a sister named Caitlin, who has a boyfriend name Jeremy."

"How old is your sister?"

"She's twenty-one," she answers. "Do you have any siblings?"

He shakes his head. "Nope."

"Lucky you. They can be tiring," she says, laughing, and he begins to laugh with her.

"May I take your order?" the waitress asks, coming up to their table, pen and notebook in hand.

Quinn gives her a smile. "Yes, you may."

.

"Can I have your number?" Finn asks when they get outside.

The honour roll student in her is temped to tell him it's _May _I have your number, but manages to restrain.

So she just nods, giving him a coy smile. "Here you go," she says, scribbling it down and handing it to him. She doesn't bother to ask for his, as she knows there's no way he won't be calling her, and she doesn't want to look like desperate.

"Cool," he says, a grin spreading over his face, and leans down to give her a hug. She hugs him back, and then looks into his eyes for a moment, as if inviting him to kiss her.

He doesn't. "I had a lot of fun. I'll call you."

"Good to hear," she says, annoyed that he doesn't bother to even try to kiss her, but he's clearly too oblivious to notice. Just as well. She needs him if she wants to be at the top for the rest of high school.

As he hurries off to catch his bus, she whips out her cell phone to call one of her parents. Before she can dial the number, she catches sight of Rachel Berry leaving the restaurant with her two dads in two behind her. She's chattering a mile a minute, but Quinn can't help but notice how nice she looks tonight. Really, _really _nice. For a second, she's tempted to wave in her direction, before she shakes her head to clear it.

_You can't be seen associating with the biggest loser in school, _she thinks.

Somehow, though, she still feels like she could be the real loser here.

.

"Did you have fun at the game?" her mother asks as they pull into the driveway.

"Yes," she says, nodding. "But we didn't win. I did go on a date with a boy, though."

The last part is thrown in as an afterthought, as she knows her mother's desire to be involved with her life.

"Oh, that's lovely, Quinny!" he mother gushes, and she rolls her eyes at her mother's enthusiasm, but smiles nonetheless.

"Yeah, I think so. His name is Finn."

Her mother wrinkles her nose. "That's an unusual name."

Quinn feels the urge to defend the boy, despite having previously thought the same herself. "I like him."

"Well, I'm glad you do. Now, let's get in here. Your sister has some exciting news." She turns the key in the lock, and ushers her daughter inside.

Quinn takes a seat at the kitchen table, and is surprised to see a 'Congratulations!' sign tacked up on the wall.

"Did somebody get married?" she asks, confused.

"Not yet," he mother says, her face glowing, and Quinn gives her a funny look.

Caitlin enters with her boyfriend, Jeremy, beaming just as hard as her mother. Jeremy has a pleasant look on his face, but remains silent.

After a few more minutes of silence, Caitlin finally speaks. "We're engaged!" she squeals at last.

Despite her general cool indifference to the world, she can't help but feel excited for her sister. "That's great, Caitlin. When's the wedding?"

"This summer," Jeremy answers instead. "Caitlin wants you to be a bridesmaid."

"What size dress are you, by the way?"

"No objections to pink?"

"You're going to need to bring a date."

"Oh, this is all too perfect," her mother says happily. "Quinn recently started dating a boy."

Her sister smiles. "How sweet. What's his name?"

She rolls her eyes. "His name is Finn, and we're not dating. We went out to dinner tonight, and I gave him my number. That's it."

"Still," her mother says, "maybe one day, you two can get married one day. Then you'll be as happy as your sister and Jeremy."

Quinn nods, but says nothing.

So that's how it works. Having a boy on your arm; by your side. That's how you stay happy. Love.

Interesting.

.

That summer, she throws herself into dating Finn. He turns out to be the perfect, doting boyfriend she's always wanted. He compliments her outfits-probably only out of obligation- and buys her gifts- which she doesn't usually deserve.

At the same time, she discovers she legitimately likes him. He's cute, good at sports, funny, and rather charming, despite being dumb as a box of rocks.

All the other girls are jealous of her, and the boys of jealous of him. She could swear she's become twice as desirable since she started dating Finn, and can't help enjoying the affect.

There are those awkward silences, of course. Times when she says something that takes him a few minutes to wrap his head around, or he goes onto a rant about football, and she has nothing to add to the conversation.

That's okay, she tells herself. At least she's happy. Or she thinks she is.

.

As fall commences, and the new school year begins, she can't help noticing things. Mostly she notices that she notice other people. Namely, not Finn.

It starts off simple. She's walking by Puckerman in the hall, and takes a quick glance at his arms. His well chiseled, tanned arms. He catches her stare and smirks.

Finn is not extremely well fit. He certainly isn't chubby, but he doesn't have the well built, muscled arms that some of the other boys do. He doesn't have the perfect abs, doesn't tan very well, and is a little bit tall for her tastes. Not that Puck is much better in regards to the latter.

Occasionally, she walks past Rachel and can't help but stare at her shiny hair, or other of her, um, physical features. She doesn't allow her to really admit she's staring at her in that way, because it's a _girl, _and she's decided to only date _boys._

She gets made captain of the Cheerios, and cheers wildly for Finn at every game. When he scores a touchdown, he points straight at her, and she feels herself blush and smile.

Despite Finn being the perfect boyfriend on the surface, her attractions to other boys continue. Or other girls. She tries to deny that she stares at _anyone, _but knows in her heart that she won't be able to stop anytime soon. Because Finn may very well be the perfect boyfriend, but he's not necessarily the type of boy she wants to date.

Her frustration gets even worse when Finn decides to join the glee club with Berry. More awful still when she catches her staring longingly at her boyfriend in the halls, and sends glares so heated they could have melted ice her way.

So maybe she wants Rachel to stare at her a little. Big deal.

This leads her to invite Puck over to do some homework that night.

.

"So why are you dating Hudson, Fabray?" he asks her as they sit on her bed, homework passed over long ago for their much more interesting discussion. He pours a wine cooler into a glass and hands it to her. She hesitantly takes a sip, and is surprised to find it's not so bad.

"I don't know," she says, rearranging the pillows on her bed. "I like him. He's nice. He has a big heart."

Puck snorts. "Fabray, if you dated everyone because they had a big heart, you'd be dating that Hummel kid right now."

She rolls her eyes, and then glances at him. "Why do you call everyone by their last name?"

"Sorry, Quinn," he says, smirking at her. "Seriously, though- you could have your pick of any guy, and you choose a guy who can't even pass a math test?"

She raises an eyebrow. "Can _you _pass a math test?"

"I'm a pretty smart guy," he says with a grin. She rolls her eyes again.

She finishes off her wine cooler in one gulp.

"Want another?" he asks, looking surprised. She nods, taking it, and drinking it all in one.

"Do you really think I could get any guy I want?" she asks a little while later, her words sounding a little slurred.

"Oh, totally, babe," he says, leaning forward to touch her hand. Had she been sober, she probably would have objected, both to the term 'babe'- which she always despised- and the touch, but her almost completely drunk mind can't quite remember why she should.

She pours herself another wine cooler, gulping it down.

"In fact," Puck says, coming even closer, "you could probably even get…_me." _

He closes the remaining distance between their lips and kisses her. It feels rough and heated, nothing like Finn's kisses, which were always soft and sweet.

Against her better judgment, she kisses him back, allowing herself to feel the first real bit of passion she's ever experienced. She doesn't imagine they'll go any further than making out. She can't fathom ever telling Finn about this.

Too soon, Puck is starting to pull of his sweater, and is getting a lot closer than her sober self would ever want him to be, and even her drunk self is vaguely uncomfortable with his caresses. She allows it, anyway, figuring you only live once, although there's some small part of her mind screaming at her to stop. She doesn't.

Instead, she lets herself go.

.

She wakes up that morning with a foggy memory, unsure of what really happened the previous night. She glances down, and is surprised to find herself not wearing any clothes. She shrugs it off, assuming she simply was too warm last night.

It doesn't take her long to realize there's another naked person next to her.

"Fuck," she whispers, seeing who it is. "_Fuck."_

"What's wrong?" Puck asks, rubbing his eyes.

"You!" she shrieks at him. "How…could you? What? Oh my God. I _slept _with you. I lost my _virginity _to you. I _cheated _on Finn!"

"Calm down, babe," he begins, but she whips around to glare at him.

"Don't you _dare _call me that. This is _your _fault. All of it. I can't believe this. God. I am so screwed." She throws a hand forward and slaps him.

"What the hell?" he demands, rubbing his already red cheek. "What's the big deal?"

She shakes her head in disgust at him. "_Get out. _I don't ever want to see you around here again. And you had better never tell anyone about this, or you're _seriously _going to regret it."

He shrugs, rolls off the bed, and grabs his clothes off the floor, quickly dressing.

"For the record," he says as he buttons up his shirt, "I had fun last night."

She grabs a pillow from her bed and throws it at his head, just missing.

"Okay, I'm going!"

The door slams. She buries her face in her arms and cries, knowing she can't ever fix this mistake.

.

To keep her mind off what happened, she continues life as she always had. She continues walk around with Finn on her arm at school, ignoring the significant glances Puck occasionally gives her. She continues to be angry at him for being in the glee club, and gets increasingly angry with Rachel for her rather unsubtle interest in her boyfriend. If she maybe gets mad at Rachel so often, throwing rude slurs in her face, it might be because she wants a little bit of the girl's attention. If just for a few seconds.

So she joins the glee club when Sue demands, with Santana and Brittany in tow, knowing they're in no position to refuse. She steals Rachel's solo immediately, feeling proud for having usurped her in her own territory.

Artie catches up with her after school. "Hey, Quinn- I know you probably don't want to talk to me at all, but I wanted to say welcome to glee club. You're a good singer."

She raises an eyebrow. "You're right. I don't want to talk you at all." She turns swiftly around, ignoring the hurt look on his face.

"You can't be serious," she says blankly when Finn expresses his desire to perform a duet with Rachel for the club's Sectionals. Assuming they make it that far. They still don't have enough members, and if she has anything to do with it, they won't even get to Invitational's.

Finn shrugs. "Why not? We sound good together. We could win. Don't you want to win?"

She resists the desire to tell him that no, she doesn't want to win- that's sort of the whole point here- but instead tells him off further.

"Why don't you sing a duet with _me? I'm_ your girlfriend," she huffs, trying to force some hurt into her voice.

"Rachel's always saying she has the strongest vocals in the club, and I think she's right. We're the leads if the group, so we should sing together." He glances at her. "No offense."

She scoffs. "None taken." She swings her bag over her shoulder and heads toward the hall.

"Wait, where are you going?"

She shrugs. "I'm not sure."

.

On Saturday, the day before her period is supposed to come, she goes to the store to buy a box of tampons. As she wanders down the aisle, debating whether she should buy a chocolate bar, she notices a sign advertising half on pregnancy tests.

Briefly, she recalls her night with Puck, and remembers they didn't use protection. Panic flashes through her, but she pushes it aside, deciding the event of her being pregnant is rather unlikely. She buys the tampons and goes.

The next day, her period doesn't come, a fact she brushes off. So it's a day late- hardly anything to worry about.

Except it doesn't come the next day, either. Or the next, or the day after that. She starts to worry, and wonders if she should have bought that pregnancy test after all.

She tries to avoid thinking about it, telling herself it will come, until the next Sunday, in which she finally gives in and walks to the drugstore.

She ties her hair in a bun and puts on a baseball cap and sunglasses, switching into jeans and a t-shirt.

She grabs the test off the shelf as quickly as possible, thankful the aisles are nearly empty. The cashier gives her a funny look as he scans it, but bites his tongue, especially after receiving the bitchiest glare she could possibly give him.

No one is home. Her parents are at church, which she skipped because she said she was feeling sick. True enough.

The five minutes she has to wait are agonizingly long, but when they're over, she finds herself wishing it would take a few more. Slowly, carefully, she draws the stick out of the cup of urine, and looks at it ever so hesitantly.

She nearly faints at the little cross that's there.

Didn't her mother say babies were supposed to make her happy?

.

"I'm fine," she mumbles to her mother, who is looking at her with a concerned face.

"Are you sure, honey? You were feeling sick this morning. Maybe you should go lie down," her mother suggests gently.

"Ye-yeah," she stutters, and her mother nods, clearing her plate away.

She falls back onto her bed, expecting the tears to flood in, but they don't. Instead she feels only guilty, with a side order of worry. Maybe some panic.

"I can't tell him," she whispers. "I can't. Besides, Puck will never be willing to be the father. He won't. He just screwed me because I was there for the taking. He doesn't care about anyone. Finn…God, we never even had sex. I don't know how I'm going to make him believe this. On the other hand…it's _Finn. _He's…gullible. He'll probably believe anything I tell him. He likes me enough. I think. But what else? I can't get an abortion. I can't keep the baby. I'm so _screwed."_

.

As it turns out, Finn is even more stupid than she originally thought. He actually buys her hot tub story, and agrees to step up to the plate. On the other hand, it's clear to both of them what this means. They're going to lose their status as the school's ultimate power couple, and there's not a thing either one can do to stop it.

The one benefit is it perhaps keeps Finn away from Rachel. It also means she can't be around Rachel anymore, but reminds herself there are more pressing matters at hand.

What she didn't count on was Puck. She expected him to just ignore the fact that she was pregnant with his child- not care at all. Of course not. Nothing ever seems to go simply for her.

He wants to support her. He wants to support _them. _There's a part of her that wants to let him do so. But she knows she can't. He can't take care of her the way Finn can. He isn't right for her. He can't handle the commitment that would come with it.

Her greatest fear is that he'll tell Finn the truth. Or at least inform him that babies can't be conceived in a hot tub, thus making him suspicious. She avoids him at all possible costs, which is rather hard now that he's constantly trying to talk to her, and has even joined the glee club, for reasons she couldn't possibly imagine. Most likely to harass her some more.

Terri Schuester's offer is probably the only chance she'll have. Giving the baby to someone who wants it much more than her seems like the perfect solution.

Still, she hesitates. Mr. Schue doesn't seem all that informed of the plan, and she wonders what could be going on with them.

Eventually, she accepts what she always knew she would have to. She's going to give the baby to Terri, just like she always knew she would.

It's not a perfect solution anymore, but it's probably the only one she'll get.

.

It's humiliating, having the whole club know her secret- and having rumours spread around the school about it. She can't take the feeling of having people watching her for something other than to give her admiration. It makes her feel uneasy.

Rachel talks to her. In one way, she is glad for the opportunity to talk to the girl again, but hates the pity she shows her, especially considering she knows the girl is doing it to get closer to Finn. She should hate her for it, but somehow, she can't force it. She likes being around her. So she acts angry at her for everything.

When she helps organize Keep Holding on for her, however, the anger melts like ice.

.

Getting kicked off the Cheerios? Yes, she expected that. Despite the support Coach Sylvester had previously shown her, she knew all along it was coming. The ultimate humiliation. Adding the final teaspoon of salt to her wound.

After having thrown up after school one day, she runs outside, in a hurry to get home.

Kurt Hummel's voice stops her.

"Quinn!" he calls in his effeminate voice, and she decides there's no point in pretending she hasn't heard him, although she feels as if he probably wouldn't care that much.

He nods to the spot on the bench next to him. "Sit down."

She tentatively takes a seat, and raises an eyebrow at him. "Yes?"

"I wanted to ask how you're doing."

She doesn't even bother to keep from rolling her eyes. "How do you _think_ I'm doing? I'm pregnant. My life isn't exactly all sunshine and rainbows, you know."

"I know," he says, giving her a smile. "But I figured I would ask, anyway."

"You wouldn't understand," she says weakly, and he shrugs.

"Again, I know."

"No, you don't," she says. "And that's the point. None of you understand. So could you all just _leave me alone?"_

He looks a little shocked at her sudden outburst. "See you around, Quinn," he says, getting up and turning away swiftly.

That nasty feeling in her stomach that doesn't come from morning sickness? It doesn't make her happy at all.

.

The rest of the semester passes by in a blur. Getting kicked out of her house. Moving in with Finn. Getting Kurt to give Rachel a makeover, in which he acts like their conversation never, happened. The yearbook. Finn dumping her.

The last part still stings. Out of everything that happened, this is the one part she truly regrets. She's regretted it since she slept with Puck in the first place, knowing subconsciously that she would lose Finn because of her mistake.

Suddenly, she's even more on the outskirts of everything than ever before. Finn still isn't talking to her. Rachel offers her weird sympathy, whilst going after Finn herself. This she hates the most, because she really does want to be around Rachel, but can't help but despise her going after her ex-boyfriend so soon. A couple of them are actually shocked at her infidelity. Everyone else at school certainly is, ogling her more in the halls than ever before.

Given that she doesn't have a whole lot of choices, she allows Puck into her life.

"You can move in with me," he says, eagerly, putting an arm around her shoulders, and although she doesn't particularly like it, she allows it. "You don't like bacon, right?"

They're dating, if you can really call it that. They go out to eat, although it's mostly for her random cravings. They went to the movies once, but she made them leave early, because people were jeering at her from the row behind. Her surprise came with the fact that he easily complied with her request. She decides there might be a few sweet qualities in him, if you look past what he calls his "badassness." Mostly, though, she's dating him because she wants to have someone to find her attractive. She _needs _someone to find her attractive.

But even if Puck treats her right, though, she can't help wanting one place where no one will judge her. She can't even truly find it in the glee club.

She hates that.

.

What could it hurt to take at look at the math club? Nothing. She's good at math, and all the kids in there are nerds, anyway. They'll be glad to be in her presence, even after her long fall from grace.

Upon entering the classroom, she begins to wonder if she might have made a mistake. There are only about five kids there, most of whom she doesn't know. They're all bent over problem sheets, and as she watches, a bell goes, and one of the boys starts to collect the sheets. He actually wheels around the tables to get them, but that's beside the point. Artie looks up, and smiles briefly at her.

She smiles back.

"What are you doing here, Quinn?" he asks her, sounding surprised.

"I wanted to try something new," she says with a sigh, taking a seat. "So, what sort of stuff do you guys do here?"

"We're studying hard right now for our big Academic Decathlon," he says. "I'm sure the other guys will be happy to have a girl around here for once, especially one as pretty as you."

She smiles faintly at the compliment, but doesn't find herself wanting him to praise her further, and has no desire to flirt with him. She's simply glad to talk to someone who sees past her pregnancy. "Thank you."

He nods to a desk beside his. "You can grab a seat, if you want. We're going to be working on some board problems in a minute. You can have a go. You might not feel up to participating in the competition, but it'd be great for you to practice and join us again next year."

She takes the desk, and finally lets a full on grin spread across her face. "Bring it on."

He grins back. "All right, then. Everyone, this is Quinn."

.

The math team, while intellectually stimulating, does very little for her in terms of companionship. Even the other four boys there consider themselves above her. The only saving factor is spending time with Artie.

She'd never truly considered him as a friend before. In elementary school, he was just the kid who had glasses and was in a wheelchair. The kid she never wanted to be like in a million years.

Now, she holds onto him like a lifeline.

She has fun talking with him. He tells her about Tina, and in turn, she tells him about her pregnancy, but she doesn't simply rant to him about all the unpleasant details. Instead, she talks to him about baby names, feeling her baby kick, and what she plans to do after it's born.

Artie reminds her she probably shouldn't be referring to the baby as an _it. _That it's a girl, and should be treated as one. So she changes the pronoun from it to she.

Artie's friendship is comforting. He's the only person she finds herself able to tell her worries to. He never judges her. He laughs with her. Hugs her when she's feeling upset. She even offers advice about his own relationship, which she's certain he'll ignore, but it's nice to have somebody _listen._

When she's around him, she feels her own brand of happiness. It's good enough for now.

.

Rachel dating Jesse does take its toll on her to an extent. She's a little angry at the way the girl can just discontinue interest in the guy she worked so hard to keep, and have him still follow her around like a puppy dog, all the while with a new guy on her arm.

Mostly, though, she's sort of jealous.

She shouldn't be, she knows. She's "dating" Puck. But she's starting to learn that the feelings she seems to have for the girl are a pesky interference that don't want to go away. No matter how hard she tries, they're always stuck there.

Making her life a misery is the only way she gets through it.

"Her sweaters look like something she picked up from a hobo," she'll tell Santana and Brittany.

"She does performances in front of her stuffed animals," she says to Jesse one day after school, causing him to give her a very funny look.

"She's not _that _pretty," she informs Finn, after catching him staring longingly after her, causing him to glare at her. She can't help but feel the sting even more, because she doesn't really believe it.

.

Making the Glist is the final straw.

She knows she doesn't have a good reputation in the school anymore. But maybe she doesn't need one, especially given her pregnancy. She doesn't even need people to like her; they just have to show her a little respect. Acknowledging her as a bad girl is certainly a stepping stone there.

She's number one, of course. Santana has to go to number two, she knows- the girl has slept with more guys than anyone can count- girls, too- and Quinn would be lying if she didn't find the girl hot.

Puck, being her boyfriend, goes to three, with Brittany at four, for the same reasons as Santana. Then, to infuriate Rachel, she puts Jesse at number five, and gives Rachel points into the negatives. She leaves Artie, Mercedes, Tina, and Kurt off altogether, because frankly, they haven't done anything to really earn a spot.

She also doesn't really want to get Artie into trouble.

"Rachel did it," she tells Mr. Schue, knowing it's not true, but knowing she could get suspended. Besides, if the blame is placed on Rachel, an angry confrontation will surely follow. Rachel looks super great when she's angry.

She remembers when Rachel came to talk to them about having sex with Jesse, and how through it all, she'd actually felt rather protective of Rachel, and wonders how she could stoop so low as to get the girl suspended for doing nothing wrong.

It probably doesn't matter.

Being caught brings both a feeling of relief and panic. She tells Mr. Schue what she was aiming to do, and he helps her get out of the situation. She feels lucky to have him as a teacher.

"Did you really do that?" she giggles, as Artie tells him the story of their dance in the library at his kitchen table that afternoon, over homework and crackers.

"Yeah," he says, grinning. "Now I'm pretty sure we're going to have to perform for a church."

She laughs harder at that, and he grins wider. She pauses. "I'm really sorry you had to do that."

He waves his hand vaguely. "It's all right. It's not your fault, you know."

She blushes. "Actually…it is." She leans forward. "Artie, I made the Glist. I was trying to…look like a bad girl, or something. I don't know. I didn't really want you in trouble, and I was being shallow, so I thought you guys didn't really deserve a place on a list of people who were supposed to be 'badasses." She hangs her head. "I'm sorry."

Artie goes quiet for a minute, then suddenly bursts out laughing.

"Glad you found this so amusing," she says coolly.

"I'm- sorry-"he splutters out, taking off his glasses and wiping his eyes. "I just find it hilarious it was actually you. Damn, girl, you should have told me and let me in on it." He laughs again, and this time, she laughs with him.

"You're my best friend," she says suddenly, and he looks up, smiling.

"Thanks, Quinn. You're my best friend, too."

"Good. I'm glad," she says, grinning.

Artie smiles softly. "So am I." He scoots his wheelchair closer. "As your best friend, could I ask you something?"

She nods. "Of course. You can ask me anything."

"Okay," he says, taking a deep breath. "How does it feel seeing everyone with her but you?"

Quinn's eyebrows rise to the heavens. "Um, excuse me?"

"Is that why you slept with Puck?" he continues. "As a test for your sexuality?"

"What are you talking about?" she demands.

"I know you like Rachel, Quinn. It's okay, you know. Being gay isn't a crime," he says, smiling faintly, and her mouth falls open in surprise.

For the longest time, she believed she was the only person who knew her secret. Who knew the truth about her liking a girl. Yet it must have been obvious to everyone, if Artie knew.

"I see the way you look at her," he goes on. "Like you're angry, but at the same time, you also look like you're angry at her for being with someone else. That's perfectly-"

"I'm not gay," she interrupts.

He pats her hand. "Quinn, there's no need to lie to me. We don't need to have secrets between-"

"I'm bi."

Something hangs in the air as soon as she says the words. Something she knows she'll never be able to take back. Now it's his turn for his mouth to fall open in surprise.

"Oh," he says quietly. "_Oh. _So Finn and Puck aren't just beards?"

She shakes her head in disgust. "Of course not. What do you take me for, Artie? I kind of used Finn, I know-" At this, Artie gives her a look, and she quickly backtracks. "Okay, I _really _used him. But not as a cover up. I mean, I kind of decided to date boys, but I wasn't using him for that. I would never. And you should remember that Puck is the father of my child."

"You shouldn't have to be with him if you don't want to be," Artie says. She rolls her eyes.

"I don't have a whole lot of options here, Artie." She pauses. "This doesn't change anything between us, right?"

"What? No, of course not," he says, shaking his head. She breathes a sigh of relief.

"Thank you."

"No problem. Now, do you want me to get out the chocolate chip cookies or the Oreos?"

She grins. "Oreos. Definitely the Oreos."

Perhaps it's not what her mother wanted for her, but for that moment, she does feel happy.

.

"It's hard watching her with Mike," Artie says with a sigh, taking a sip of his Coke. They're at MacDonald's, as Quinn had a sudden craving and wasn't in the mood to go with Puck.

"I know the feeling," she says, nodding, and he glances at her.

"Damn. How did we both get so unlucky?"

She bites back a laugh. "Who knows? But at least Tina isn't dating Mike. She just danced with him. She wanted to be partners with _you." _

"Yeah, I know. But I can't shake the feeling she's going to wake up one day and realize I'm not good enough for her, and leave me for someone like Mike."

"Artie," she says, grabbing his hand, "you _are _good enough for her. Being in a wheelchair doesn't change that."

He shrugs. "Sure, but it might not be that way for her." He wheels over to the trashcan to toss his empty cup in the garbage, then offers a hand to pull her up. "Come on. Want to go for a walk?"

She nods. "Sure."

"Why do you go out with Puck, Quinn?" he asks her as they head toward the park. "I know he's the father of your baby, and you don't have a lot of options, but _come on. _You're worth more than that. Especially since he was just going after Mercedes last week," he adds, and she feels a pang of annoyance at him, because she knew that would come up, no matter that she didn't want it to.

"He's not such a bad guy. I feel like I should keep giving him another chance each time he screws up. I mean, I know he's still screwing around with Santana, and I heard he tried to go for Rachel again- yeah, that makes it worse, I'll admit. But I need someone by my side. I need a boyfriend."

"But _why?" _he insists, giving her a bewildered look. She just shrugs.

"Because they make me happy," she says simply. Artie doesn't respond to that, and instead changes the subject.

He doesn't believe her. She doesn't, either.

.

Beth. That's her name.

With the name comes the reason she always seems to give Puck another chance. He pulls off some sweet gesture that she can't help but love, because it gives her the affection she so craves.

She notices Finn sings his verse to Kurt, and wonders what that's all about. She remembers being so rude to Kurt earlier in the year, and feels immediately guilty.

"What's going on with Finn and Kurt?" she asks Artie one day, and he gives her a funny look.

"You didn't hear?"

"No?"

"Quinn," he says slowly, "Finn called Kurt a fag."

She sucks in a breath. "Oh, God."

"Yeah," Artie says, nodding. "Exactly."

"He shouldn't have done that."

"No, he shouldn't have," Artie agrees. "But don't even dare trying to interfere," he adds.

"I wouldn't."

"Yeah, right."

.

He's right. He's always right. It's about two weeks after they all stand up for Kurt, and the two seemed to have patched things up, but she can't help but feel like she has to tell Finn he was wrong to do what he did.

She wants to talk to Artie about it, but knows she can't. So she goes to Mercedes, who has somehow become her friend, to the extent she's invited her to live with her.

"What Finn did was horrible," she tells her one day in the library.

"Yeah, but at least he's made up for it now. I was pretty mad at him at first," she says, giving a small smile.

"I'm _still _mad at him for it," she says harshly, and Mercedes raises her eyebrows.

"Really? Are you even friends with Kurt?"

"I helped defend him a couple weeks ago," she says, but knows her argument is weak.

"Yeah, but you would have looked like a bitch if you hadn't. No offense."

"None taken."

"You should just let it go," she says. "Anyway, Mom wants to know if you want spaghetti or chicken tonight."

"Um, chicken," she replies. "Definitely chicken."

.

"Hey, Finn," she says, hurrying up to him as he heads toward practice.

"Um, yeah?" he asks, looking vaguely annoyed at her presence.

"I want to talk to you for a minute."

He nods. "Okay."

"Look, you shouldn't have said what you said to Kurt." He opens his mouth to say something, but she holds up her hand. "I know I'm not really close with him, but it was mean. Even I wouldn't have stooped so low."

"I said I was sorry, okay? I put on a dress," he protests, looking flustered.

"I know you're sorry. I just had to tell you that."

"Um…okay?" he says hesitantly.

"Yeah. Okay. Oh, and Finn?"

He glances at her again. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry, too."

He looks surprised, but then nods again. "Thanks."

"My pleasure."

It's not quite happiness, but she does have a certain sense of satisfaction.

.

Regionals was wonderful to be at. Really. She felt the most alive she had in a long time.

Until she went into labor.

From then on, it was earth shattering pain like she'd never felt before. Each contraction brought on a new burst of it, and through every second, she feels like she wants to die.

Puck is there with her, and she brings Mercedes into the waiting room with her. She probably would have brought Artie, but sort of figured it might freak him out.

Then, before she really knows it…it's over.

She's allowed to hold the girl for a minute before the nurse has to take her away. She can't help but notice that her daughter has her green eyes, and Puck's natural hair colour, black. She knows she loves the girl, but at the same time, she knows she could never keep her.

Rachel stops by later, to tell them that they lost. They didn't even place. Despite the fact that she just gave birth, she can't help but feel a little crushed. It's nice to see Rachel, though, who tells her how beautiful her baby is, and funny enough, gives her a hug.

She'd be lying if she said she didn't enjoy it.

"Did you love me?" she asks Puck, as they stare at their baby girl together. She needs to know why they're here. If he had no feelings for her in the end, she probably would have been angrier than ever at him.

"Yes," he answers. "Especially now."

She feels slightly elated at this news, but not completely happy. Because for all that, she really doesn't have a whole lot of feelings for him. She's felt lust, and occasional admiration, but never love. It pains her to admit it, but she can never love the father of her baby.

Probably because she's too busy being in love with someone else.

_Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear,_ she can't help but think. _Or the devil's mother._

Puck tells Ms. Corcoran their daughter is named Beth. Quinn knows that was going to be her name all along, and that they had basically decided before, so she doesn't protest.

Then she tells them. She wants to adopt Beth.

Quinn isn't sure whether she should be feeling sadness or relief right now. It's more a mix of both. She wasn't ready for motherhood, despite her mother's offer to take her in. But she's afraid to give up her daughter.

It doesn't matter, anyway. She has to do what's best, and what's best is to give up Beth to Ms. Corcoran. For both her and her daughter. Even for Puck.

They work out a deal. Actually, their parents do, but the details hardly matter when she looks at the big picture.

That's it. She doesn't get to keep her daughter.

She avoids Puck, and lets Artie hug her.

.

To Sir With Love hurts. For all that's happened, these people have stood by her, and now she may never be able to be around them again.

So Mr. Schue giving them the news of them getting another year can't feeling like anything but heaven.

There's still one thing, though, that makes her sad to see.

She knew it was coming since Regionals. Still, it nonetheless hurts to see Rachel leaning her head on Finn's shoulder while Mr. Schue sings. She feels regret for what she did for Finn, and feels longing for the girl she'll never get. Pretty ironic the person she dated and the one she wanted to date would end up together.

Finn smiles at her, and she smiles back at him. She plays around affectionately with Mercedes and Kurt, the latter who she has found much more likable as of late. Artie sits with Tina in the front, but she knows they'll talk later, and that's fine. Everyone is cheerful and lighthearted. They're all in a good mood.

Except for possibly her.

Because despite everything, she's still not happy.

.

A/N: Wow, this is long. Over ten thousand words now. Okay. I've been trying to nail Quinn's character down for a while now, and the idea of her wanting happiness over love sort of stuck with me- she just believed love was the key to happiness.

This is going to be three parts. It was originally just going to be one, but then I started feeling in more of the season, and it got way, way too long. But it's fun.

So, review, please? It would mean a lot, as would some constructive criticism, since this is my first time writing Quinn.

Lots of love,

Kathleen


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: No. Don't even ask. Not owning it. **

.

"Why not?" he demands, sitting next to her on the bench in the park.

She looks out at a bunch of children playing tag, their sneakers slipping around in the grass, and feels a pang at what she knows she won't be seeing again. "Because it won't work out."

"But it _could!_" he argues, but she just shakes her head.

"No, Puck, it won't. We're two different people. We shouldn't have been together in the first place. Our relationship was built on a mistake." As cruel as the words are, she knows they're true, and that he knows it, too. What she wouldn't give to turn back time to that disastrous night.

The only good thing she got out of it was Beth, and even that was taken from her.

She couldn't have kept her; it's not as if she doesn't know this. Despite her mother's offer, it would have been too difficult. A million opportunities would have been taken from her.

Is it wrong to miss someone that made you happy, when you might not have done the same for them?

"I can't believe you're doing this now," he says, leaning forward. "Right before school starts again."

"Exactly," she says, nodding. "That's what I mean. I want a fresh start, Puck. I want to move on from last year. I'm sorry, but I can't do that with you, no matter how hard I try."

"I thought you loved me," he whispers.

"Puck…I don't know, okay? I might have. Everything is all jumbled up inside me right now."

"So you might be able to love me?" he says weakly, grasping for straws now. She shakes her head.

"It won't work out."

"Don't they say you should give everything a chance?"

"You don't make me happy, Puck!" she exclaims. "Okay? I don't feel happy with you. I don't want to be with you forever. I don't think I ever did. So can you please just _stop_?"

He looks at her, a pained expression on his face, and a stab goes through her heart at the sight. She doesn't want to make people feel like this. Maybe she did once, but now, she no longer feels triumph. All she feels is his pain.

"Well," he says quietly, "I hope you find happiness, then." He gets up and starts to walk down the sidewalk, back toward his house, and she watches him go, feeling a mixture of guilt and relief.

.

"Quinny!" her mother trills as she steps in the door. She grimaces at the sound, but follows it until she finds her mother in the dining room, looking through a magazine.

"Hi, Mom," she says, smiling weakly. Her mother had insisted she start calling her 'Mom' instead of 'Mother', but she can't quite shake the habit in her thoughts.

"Hello, dear," her mother says, smiling warmly, and pushes the magazine toward her. "Take a look at this."

She glances down at the magazine, a copy of Splits Weekly. "Mom, _no. _I told you, I'm not rejoining the Cheerios."

"Sweetie, just look at this!" her mother says, her face falling. "They won the National Championship last year. Don't you want to be a part of that?"

"Coach Sylvester was horrible to me," she says, a twinge of annoyance in her voice. Her mother's face colours.

"I know she was, and that's awful. But maybe you should give it a second chance. Colleges will love to have someone with that on their application," she adds, as if this will surely sell her on the matter.

It nearly does. College is something she thinks a lot about lately. She wants to get out of the town; move on from her pregnancy. She doesn't want to be reminded of it wherever she goes. In best case scenario, she wouldn't be reminded of it at all, meaning she would have to become the most popular girl in school again…

"Actually, Mom," she says brightly, "maybe I will take a second look."

Her mother beams.

.

"I thought you said you weren't rejoining the Cheerios?" Artie asks skeptically, as she rearranges the clothes in his wardrobe.

"I want a fresh start, Artie," she says simply, and he raises an eyebrow.

"But isn't that basically going back to where you were before? You know, when you hated everyone and liked to post rude comments on people's Facebook's?"

"Look," she says, turning around, "first of all, it's my decision. Second of all,if I become captain of the Cheerios again, I'll be popular. As we know, the popular kids rule the school, so maybe I could try to get them to stop picking on you guys so much." She smiles at him, but he doesn't smile back.

"Are you sure you're not doing this because you want to act like last year never happened?"

"Of course I am," she says, taking a deep breath to keep herself from getting annoyed. "I _do _want to act like last year never happened. I don't want to be the girl that got pregnant forever."

"If you say so, Quinn," he says, still frowning, so she decides to change the subject.

"Did I tell you I broke up with Puck?"

"What?" His head snaps up. "No, you didn't. When did this happen?"

She shrugs. "Last week."

"Don't you think this sort of proves my point? That you're trying to cut yourself off from what happened last year?" He eyes her patronizingly, and she glares.

"It doesn't," she says. "Not all relationships work out. We can't all be you and Tina."

"No, you can't," he agrees, and she really has no idea what he's talking about. "But Puck really cared about you. Probably more than anyone else ever did." He gives her a pointed look, and she knows he's not talking about Finn.

"If you're going to bring that up again, I'm leaving," she says, grabbing her purse and swinging it over her shoulder. "I'll see you around."

"Shouldn't we at least discuss that?" he asks, but it's too late. She's already gone.

There's satisfaction with that, but she knows there's no happiness.

.

Popularity is what takes over Quinn's life from then on. She knows it's what she needs to get her life back on track. It's the only way you can survive in high school, and as she discovered last year, living like you're dead isn't a very nice feeling.

Blackmail, lying, and deceit. These are three things she's still an expert on, despite her fall from grace last year.

"Don't tell Coach Sylvester," Santana whispers to her one day at the mall, and grins.

"I won't," she promises.

It doesn't take long for her to break that.

"She got a boob job," she tells Coach during the first week of school. "She's so _insecure. _You need someone with confidence to be your head cheerleader. Someone like me."

Coach eyes her over her glasses. "You know what, Q? I think you're back."

She flushes with pleasure.

.

The ensuing catfight is painful, and she has three bruises to show for it. Artie shakes his head at her, but she ignores him, still bitter from their argument.

"I'm sure you're so happy with yourself," Santana mutters to her one day during Biology. "That'll change soon, Fabray. You're going to be _miserable, _if I have anything to do with it."

Santana's already right.

.

"I haven't seen Mercedes around in a while," her mother comments as she puts away the dishes, and Quinn does her homework. "You two used to be so close."

"We've both been busy with school," she says, gesturing at her work, and her mother smiles.

"I know you have, honey," she says. "Are you dating anyone new?"

Her mother knows nothing about her break up with Puck, as she told her they had decided to not date at all, and her mother had nodded, and gave a prim, "It's probably for the best."

"No, Mom," Quinn says, smiling tightly, knowing that it's true, but still wishing it wasn't.

"Well, any boy would be lucky to have you. You _are _the captain of the Cheerios!" Her mother radiates happiness whenever it's brought up, proud for her daughter's former glory to have been reinstated. "You know, for the longest time, I thought you were dating that Artie boy."

At this she laughs. "Really?" It's not all that surprising, though- she knows how nervous her mother is about her having male friends after last year. It's too bad girls would also be a problem.

"Yes!" her mother says, joining in Quinn's laughter. "You were over there so often…but I know now you two are just friends. Doesn't he have a girlfriend?"

She wrinkles her nose. "He used to. They broke up, but I'm not sure exactly why, and she's dating someone else now." Despite the fact that she heard the news secondhand, as the conflict between her and Artie hadn't yet been resolved, she can't help feeling a deep resentment for Mike Chang.

"Oh, that's too bad," he mother says, sucking in a breath. "I'm sure you two have talked about this already."

"Um, yeah," she lies, and instantly feels guilty about it; aside from the thing with Puck, she'd tried to be more honest about her personal life with her mother. She just can't imagine having to admit she'd ruined nearly every relationship in her life.

"How's Santana?" her mother asks. "Brittany?"

"They're fine," she says, which is true enough. They seem to be doing okay, other than last week in glee club when Brittany announced the elves from the cookies she'd eaten were making her stomach feel bad.

"Well, you should invite them over sometimes. "She passes Quinn a plate and cutlery. "Here you go. Serve yourself some dinner; it's over there."

As she gets up, the guilt begins to swirl inside her, and she can't help but think it's not a very nice feeling.

.

"So, you and Brittany, huh?" she asks Artie one day after class, coming up to his locker.

He shrugs. "Not really."

"What do you mean?" she asks after a pause. He sighs.

"I don't really know if I want to talk about it," he says, and she rolls her eyes.

"Come on, Artie- you can tell me things. You know that."

"No," he says, shaking his head. "I don't."

"Can't we just get over this?" she demands.

"I don't know. Can you?" He slams his locker shut and turns his chair around. "Nice talking to you, Quinn."

She doesn't know what makes her feel worse- the fact that Artie's mad at her, or that when she asks Brittany what's going on, the only response she gets is, "I took his virginity and thought he was going to follow me forever, but then he didn't, and I'm really confused, so I asked Santana, and she just said boys are stupid and then we made out."

Probably the former, then.

.

"We're going on a weekend trip to London in ten days," her sister brags one evening as they sit down to dinner, Jeremy to her left.

"Fabulous," she says sarcastically, and her mother nudges her.

"Sorry, Mom," she mutters, and forces herself into a straighter posture. "That sounds nice."

"Definitely," Jeremy agrees, and Quinn's reminded then of how much she likes the guy, if only because he agrees with everything you say.

"We're going on a horse and carriage ride, and then we're going to take pictures of Buckingham Palace," Caitlin continues, and Quinn feels her eyes glaze over, already bored.

Still, she knows it would be wrong to shun Caitlin, she being the only person who didn't completely cut her off upon her pregnancy, and continued to send occasional e-mails her way, although she suspects that was Jeremy's doing, who had always seemed to like her. Either way, she seems just as determined as everyone else to act as if that saga of her life never happened.

"Remember when you were last royalty?" her mother says dreamily.

"Oh, Mom!" Caitlin giggles. "That was _such _a long time ago!"

Jeremy gives her an awkward smile over their pasta. She smiles back, knowing they're the two odd ones out when it comes to discussion of Caitlin's former prom queen glory. Jeremy and her sister didn't meet until college, and Quinn was merely twelve at that time, thus too young to really be involved.

"Not that long ago," her mother counters. "Jeremy, your wife looked stunning that night."

"Who was your king, again?" Quinn asks, foggy on the details.

"Carl May," Caitlin says, grinning in spite of herself. "Remember him, Mom?"

"Oh, yes," her mother says, and smiles. "No competition for Jeremy here, of course," she adds.

"That was the happiest night of my life," Caitlin says, resting her head on her hand for a moment.

"Excuse me? Our wedding?" Jeremy asks, and she snaps back to reality.

"Oh, well, of course, but I meant in my _teenage _years, sweetheart," her sister says, smiling sweetly at Jeremy. He reluctantly returns it.

"Hey, why don't you run for prom queen, Quinn?" Caitlin asks, looking inspired. She laughs.

"Me?"

"Yes, you," she says, nodding. "It could work. Think about it: it would completely erase the embarrassment of the, um, incident last year. Everyone would love you again. You certainly have the looks. Thank God you didn't decide to go back to your old ways of dressing last year."

Quinn burns red in embarrassment at the mention of her days as Lucy. Jeremy just looks confused.

"Huh?" he asks.

"Nothing," her mother says. "But I _love _Caitlin's idea! What do you say, hon?"

She pushes her food around for a minute, twirling a noodle around her fork and letting it drop. "I guess."

Caitlin smirks.

.

She has the boy. She has the looks. She has the uniform. Now all she needs is that damn _crown, _and she'll be able to be happy with her position on top once again.

Sam is the solution. Sam is the answer to all her problems. He's blonde, tall, and well built. He's essentially every girl's dream. Or maybe he would be, if not for one thing.

He's unbearable to present to the world. Although hot, he consistently compliments her in Na'vi, does weird impressions of actors, and talks about Star Trek like it's the greatest thing to ever have come into this earth.

For all that, he's a genuinely nice guy. He smiles at her like he means it, brushes away her hair, and kisses her with what she can only describe as bliss. Granted, all these qualities could have been found in Finn, too, but there's no hope of ever starting something there again. She hurt him terribly last year, and to top it all off, he has a girlfriend- a girlfriend she finds herself staring at far too often.

Pretending, though, is something she's fairly good at. So she acts like the perfect girlfriend, holding hands with Sam in the halls, kissing him by their lockers, and proudly displaying him to the whole school. She wants everyone to see how she landed the hot new boy; that despite all she went through last year, men still can't resist her charms.

She decides to not put a label on them being together to anyone but herself. She thinks of him as her boyfriend, but she doesn't want to seem too possessive, nor as if she cares too much. She tries to make it seem like she's still testing out the waters in their relationship, when in reality, she doesn't plan on letting him go anytime soon.

Still, her eyes wonder. She sees Rachel with Finn, smiling and laughing, and feels that familiar pang in her chest, because despite how hard she tries to convince herself, she's not going to fall in love with Sam. He's a bit too weird for her, and the nicer part of her wants him to find someone who loves him for who he is. Even though she can't let go of Sam, she wants that for him. Just not until he's played his part in her plan to get herself elected prom queen. He can be her king. It's a win-win situation for everyone.

Except for maybe her. Because even though she has the boyfriend she's convinced herself she needs in order to be on top, and is heading towards so many other things, she still doesn't have what she really wants- the person who sits with her head leaning on her ex-boyfriend's shoulder.

.

"So, you and Sam, huh?" Artie asks as he wheels himself into her room, her mother having apparently let him in. She rolls her eyes.

"You say it like it's a bad thing."

He shrugs. "I don't know. Is it?"

"Of course not," she says lightly, despite that what she's doing wouldn't really be classified as "good."

"Really. So, it was so good that you couldn't tell me?"

"Apparently you didn't tell me you were dating Britt, either. When did that happen, eh?" she asks, and to her disbelief, he starts to laugh. "Why aren't you taking this seriously?" She starts to smile against her will.

"Sorry," he says, grinning, "you said 'eh'."

"So?"

"So? Are you Canadian now?" He laughs again, and she throws a pillow at him.

He smiles sadly. "I really miss you, Quinn."

"I've missed you, too," she says, blowing the air out of her lungs. "I'm sorry. We shouldn't have fought. You brought up something I was sensitive about, and I overreacted. I'm sorry."

He shrugs. "It's fine. I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have made it so obvious. I thought it might help, but I guess not."

She flops down on her bed. "So, tell me about you and Brittany. How did this happen, anyway?"

"Puck attempted to help me get her back, but that didn't go so well, so we went to the movies, and it was fun. Now we're dating. Pretty simple."

"God, I wish you were gay sometimes," she says, and pulls a pillow towards her. "Not that I don't like you the way you are."

He laughs. "Good to know. So, how did this thing with Sam start?"

"I don't know," she says. "We went out to dinner. He paid. It was fun. We started hanging out, and then one day we kissed. That was when it really started, I guess." She hugs the pillow to her chest. "And I want us to wrong for prom royalty this year. But now he's being a little clingy- he offered me a _promise ring."_

"Seriously?" he asks, snorting with laughter. She nods, and laughs with him.

"Sadly, yes. I don't know what to say to him about it, really. He's nice, but he wants to _marry _me someday. Isn't that a little much?"

"If you don't want to marry him, it is." He looks her in the eyes. "_Do _you want to marry him?"

"I don't know," she says, now picking at the fluff on the pillow. "I'm in high school. How can I decide?"

"It's a little young," Artie agrees, and she breathes a sigh of relief.

"I'm so glad you think so, too."

"But I don't think that's the reason you don't want to marry him," he continues. "You're telling me that when you started dating Finn, you never dreamed about you two being married one day?"

"I've grown up," she insists, and he eyeballs her.

"I'm not so sure. I think you've matured, but that you're losing some of it. What's happened to you? I was hoping you would make amends with me, or at least try, but you didn't. I missed you a lot. And you never talk to Mercedes anymore. Why is that? Is she not popular enough for you?"

"I can't, Artie," she says, tears now flooding her eyes. "I don't want to think about what happened last year anymore. Mercedes is part of that. And it's bad enough everyone thinks I'm weird for being in glee club. I need my old life back. This is the only way."

"So, that's why you're dating Sam?" he questions, and she can tell he's disappointed in her. This fact makes her want to burst into tears again.

"I need him to win prom queen," she says tearfully, "and I do like him. Otherwise, I could just date…Mike. I could date _you _if I wanted."

She regrets the words as soon as she's said them.

"Ignoring the last part of that sentence, which I think you're wrong on, I'm glad you're not going as far as what I thought."

"What did you think?" she asks.

"I don't know if you'll want to hear it."

"Tell me!"

He sighs. "Alright. I thought you were dating him to stop focusing on Rachel."

She glares. "Why would you think that?"

"Because you like her," he says, holding her gaze.

"No, I don't. Not anymore."

"Come on, Quinn, you know that doesn't bother me. But what does bother me is the fact that you always think you have to lie to me about it. Be honest, like you were last year. Tell me about it." He wheels himself closer. "You can talk to me."

"I know I can. I just…don't know if I want to," she says.

He nods. "Okay. We don't have to. I just don't think it's healthy for you to be keeping this locked away. I care about you, Quinn." She smiles at this. "And I don't want you to get hurt in this. Or Sam. He's a nice guy."

"How is this hurting _Sam?" _she demands.

"It's emotional cheating," he states in a matter-of-fact voice. "Plus, you are sort of using him to maintain your popularity."

"It's not like he's not doing the same thing," she mutters, and he ignores this.

"I just think you should tell me," he says, and finally, she caves.

"It's stupid. I shouldn't care at all. But I can't chase away the feelings I have for her right now. That I've had for a long time. Artie…I think I love her."

He nods for her to continue, so she does.

"It sucks, seeing her with Finn, and then it sucks even more, because I still care about him, too, and feel bad about what I did. But not the way I do for her. So I do all this stupid stuff just to get her attention. I insult her constantly, just so I can look at her, and have her look back. I criticize her because I think she's cute when she's angry. Then I'll do almost anything for her. I would probably attempt to blackmail my parents if she asked me to." She thinks back to near the beginning of the year, when Rachel asked her to pretend to ask Finn out, and she'd done it, because it was for _Rachel, _and who wouldn't do that for her? "I'm so stuck in the middle of all this, and I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone, except for you."

Artie stays silent for a few minutes, as if pondering what she's said.

"I think you should break up with Sam."

"Excuse me?" she gasps. "For what? Rachel has a boyfriend. There would be no point."

"It's not right to be with him when you feel this strongly about someone else. Besides, you need to get over her, and dating someone else is not going to do it."

"How do you know?" she grumbles.

"I tried it, remember?"

"Yeah, but now you're dating Brittany! What's the difference?" she asks.

"You're right; I'm being a bit of a hypocrite. You know what? Never mind. You can go out with Sam. Maybe you'll fall in love with him at some point. As long as you're happy with him."

"I am," she assures him, and decides to change the subject. "So, what's really going on with Kurt?"

He starts to speak, and she realizes this is probably the first time she's ever told him a straight up lie.

.

She doesn't _really _want to duet with Sam, despite having accepted his promise ring. She really does like him now. He's sweet, and he makes her smile. She finds herself enjoying their dates much more than before, and smiling about it all. She starts to wonder if maybe she _could _fall in love with him.

She's just not sure she wants to have to sing a song expressing this to a crowd of people she doesn't know. There's also the fact that she legitimately likes hearing Rachel sing, although she has no desire to watch another sickly sweet performance of hers with Finn. So at least while singing with Sam, she's still the one in control. Rachel calling her Barbie may have influenced this decision as well, because she's so _desperate _to prove her wrong.

Adding to her problems is a desire to actually comfort Rachel, who she genuinely feels for right now. It would probably be awful to know your significant other slept with someone and then lied to you about it. Although really, this is one more thing they'll have in common. That's sort of a mean thought, so she pushes it back.

When everyone comes on the stage to join them, she can't help but notice Rachel, and decides she really likes her legs in that dress. She shakes the thought out of her head, though, and focuses on Sam, who looks like he's in heaven singing with her, and smiles at her the whole time. She smiles back, and convinces herself she's happy with him, because he loves her and love is supposed to be the key to happiness.

Isn't it?

.

"Did you hear about Finn and Rachel?" Tina asks her one day, and she shakes her head. "They broke up."

She knows she must look ridiculous with her mouth hanging open like this, but decides she doesn't care. "When?"

"Yesterday," she says, shrugging. "I'm surprised you haven't heard yet."

"I didn't," she says.

"Evidently," Tina says, grinning. "Hey, want to come on our double date with Artie and Brittany? You could bring Sam," she offers.

"Um, no thanks," she says, "but thanks."

She smiles at her. "See you around, then," she says, and heads out the door of the classroom.

As she leaves, she starts to think. It amazes her that they broke up- the perfect couple. If they did, there's really no hope for the rest of them.

Walking home, she realizes something. _Rachel doesn't have a boyfriend. _

She can basically hear Artie's voice in her head, telling her that fact doesn't matter, because she doesn't like girls.

Sure enough, he does. "I'm guessing you heard about Rachel and Finn."

She nods. "Everyone's talking about it."

"Look, Quinn, I don't want you to do anything irrational," he says, turning to face her.

"And why would I do that?" she asks skeptically. He gives her a look.

"I don't want you being convinced that you could be with Rachel because of this."

"I don't think that," she protests meekly, which he sees through immediately. "Besides, Rachel doesn't know. She thinks I hate her."

He rolls his eyes. "We both know that's not true."

"Of course it's not," she agrees. "But no one else knows that I don't. It doesn't matter either way."

"You know, Quinn, I'm glad you're handling this so maturely. I wouldn't want you to end up broken hearted again," he says, smiling at her. She clutches her books to her chest, and smiles back.

"Besides, I have a boyfriend."

"Like that stopped you before."

"Shut up, wheels."

She smiles further and supports Artie when he gets the ReWalk, but can't help but feel a twinge of annoyance at him for always being right.

.

She isn't sure what exactly prompts her to kiss Finn right then. Maybe it's because he really did remind her of why she cared about him. Perhaps it's because she wanted closure when things ended so roughly between them.

Most likely it's because it'll drive Rachel nuts.

To keep it clear, she didn't really want to cheat on Sam. She just wants Rachel to hear about the kiss, and have her angrily confront her. She doesn't ever want Sam to find out.

This, she knows, makes her sound like an awful person. The kind she decided in junior high she didn't ever want to be like. But she does care about Sam. Perhaps she cares about Rachel a little more, but Sam is her current boyfriend, and she wants nothing more than to keep him on her arm. She also really doesn't mean to screw around with Finn's feelings too much. She does remember having some vague sense of love for him a while back, and he really is a nice guy. She doesn't want to lead him on. She doesn't expect him to be.

She really wasn't counting on it.

.

She has no idea what she's doing kissing Finn in the auditorium. He's breathing heavily, and she decides she actually likes Sam's kisses better. Finn seems to be using too much tongue, and it reminds her of when she slept with Puck, and realizes she's still comparing kisses.

She shouldn't be here. This time, it doesn't have a whole lot to do with Rachel. It might a little, because she likes being able to be around Rachel, which will be more likely if she does choose Finn in the end. But mostly, she wants to remember the feeling of two boys fighting over her. She loves being in the middle of drama, and while she does care for Finn, she also cares for Sam, maybe even a little more. She craves affection, and she wants people to want her. To make her feel loved. Sam does this, but Finn could do it, too. She likes the feeling of having the decision in this.

She can't help but realize she also might be there because she wants more of her old life back, and Finn is an even better way to get that. If she does choose him, because she likes being with Sam.

She's glad Sam loves her enough to stay with her.

It doesn't make her particularly happy when she founds out he doesn't.

.

It's sad for her to admit it, but she can't help but feel a little elated when Rachel calls her 'girlfriend' at her party. It's in a friendly sense, of course, but it makes her feel warm for a second, until she sees Sam across the room, making out with Santana, and feels the old pang, deep in her stomach at the sight.

She might not have been in love with Sam, or even had deep feelings for him, but she still feels guilty. He was a nice guy who seemed to genuinely love her, and she only wishes she could have loved him back.

She ends up staying and gets drunk, and thinks back to the last time she was drunk, on wine coolers then, and in a funny twist, ends up yelling at Puck again, this time with Lauren along.

She's really just glad when it's over, and also like the last time she was drunk, regrets it the next morning.

.

"You shouldn't go out with Blaine, you know," she says to Rachel, who glares at her.

"First of all, why shouldn't I? Second, since when does this concern you?"

"I don't want to see Kurt get hurt," she says simply, and Rachel shrugs.

"I'm not trying to hurt him. I just...think I deserve the chance to be happy, too. I want to be able to seize the opportunity."

With that she turns on her heel and storms away, leaving Quinn thinking her and Rachel might actually want the same thing out of life. For once.

.

"Quinn!" Artie calls, hurrying after her in the hall. He catches up eventually, and gives her a hard look. "I can't believe you."

"Believe what?" she asks loftily.

"You know what I'm talking about," he says fiercely, and it's true. She knows exactly what he's talking about.

"Not really," she lies.

"Don't even _try _to play dumb. I can not believe you cheated on Sam and got involved in this whole mess. Why would you do that?" he demands.

"Could you hush a little?" she mutters. "Come on. Let's go to the library. We can talk there."

"I don't understand. You said you wouldn't get involved," he says, his face a mixture of anger and disbelief.

"I'm glad you think _so _much of me," she says sarcastically.

"I do. Or maybe I did. Quinn, I warned you not to caught up in this, and then you go ahead and do it anyway!" He leans forward. "What could have possessed you to cheat on your boyfriend?"

"How do you know I don't really want to be with Finn again?" she asks. "I still care about him."

"Yeah, maybe you do. But you know you're doing this to be around her, and frankly, I'm not sure why you think this is the best way. Why don't you try, I don't know, being her _friend?"_

"You know, Artie," she says slowly, "that is an _excellent _idea."

"Oh, no," he groans, putting his head into his head. "I gave you an idea."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

There's a pause.

"Maybe just a little."

He groans again.

.

Being friends with Rachel is a bit strange. She isn't used to being nice to her; she's normally working so hard to cover up how she feels that she never lets herself even consider telling her something that isn't horrible.

On the other hand, it's a situation that reaps benefits for all of them. Finn is happy with her for befriending Rachel, she gets to spend time with her, and it might just keep Rachel from going after Finn.

She's campaigning hard for her and Finn to be prom king and queen already, and is happy to be able to find a way to do it even without Sam. Finn is much more popular, and he isn't particularly weird. He might even look better in the suit than Sam would.

As it turns out, though, Rachel isn't planning on giving up Finn without a fair fight, like she'd hoped she would. Not that she's surprised. She knows Rachel really does love Finn, and she doesn't have much of a right to be telling her of the future she has planned for them, a future that, when she looks past its safe outer shell, she isn't all that enthusiastic about.

"Why are you being so mean?" Rachel whispers, and it occurs to her that that's exactly what she is. She's a mean, snobby girl who always puts herself first. Even now.

When Rachel runs out of the auditorium in tears, she feels the opposite of happy. In fact, she's never felt worse in her life.

.

Convincing Rachel to get a nose job is probably not her brightest idea, because really, Rachel is beautiful. But Rachel wants to get a nose job, and as her new _friend, _she's only too happy to help out. Because Rachel doesn't really need it, but she'd do anything to make Rachel like her again in their recently reconstructed friendship.

Besides, if she said no, that would make her a complete hypocrite. Wasn't she the one who changed virtually everything about her appearance?

Their duet is absolute heaven for her. It's emotional, and makes her want to burst into tears, and she knows this should be her telling Rachel she doesn't need the nose job, but she can't concentrate because even with a broken nose, _Rachel is beautiful._

"You sound really good, Quinn," Rachel says with a smile, giving her arm a small part on the way out the door, and Quinn nods, but waits until she's out the door to start really grinning.

The fact that Rachel doesn't go through with it and her own past comes back to get her only proves the point of that week's lesson.

She's happy to finally be able to learn it.

.

"Want me to get them a snack?" she asks Sam as he fusses with his siblings. He shakes his head, and she notices how shaggy it is.

"No, they just had lunch," he says, and she nods. "Maybe we should let them have a nap?"

"All right," she says, and helps pick Stacy up, heaving her onto the bed. Sam grabs Stevie and plunks him down.

"Do you think you could help me sing to them?" he asks, and she's genuinely touched by the question.

"Of course," she answers, and they begin to sing an improvised song between them.

_Far away as the tall grass grows,_

_Seconds by second time may go,_

_Here with me you'll always know,_

_Everything you tell me is so. _

"Are they asleep?" she whispers after a few minutes. He touches Stevie's forehead, and when nothing happens, nods.

"Want to sit?" he asks, pointing to the small table and set of chairs in the corner.

"Okay," she says, smiling. They take a seat, and for a moment, silence fills the air.

"I'm sorry this happened to you of all people, Sam. You didn't deserve it," she says, and he smiles sadly.

"I guess we get a lot of things we don't deserve in life. If we didn't, we'd probably all be happy," he says, and she feels the pang of guilt again.

"I'm really sorry," she says again. "For what I…did to you. It was stupid."

He nods. "Yeah, it was. Why did you do it, exactly?"

"I don't know," she says, and shrugs. "Something in me thought it was a good idea at the time."

"Well, it wasn't."

"I know." She folds her hands.

"Can I ask you something?" he asks, leaning towards her.

"Of course.

"Are you happy?"

The question takes her by surprise. Her first instinct would be to lie to him, tell him that of course she's happy; how could she be anything but?

"No," she whispers, the first honest thing she's said in a long time.

.

"Quinn," Artie says over the phone. His voice is trembling.

"What's wrong?" she asks immediately. He sniffles, and she hears the obvious sounds of tissues being picked up and thrown out. Oh, no.

"Brittany, she…" his voice trails off, and it sounds as if he wants to start crying again.

"I'll be right over," she promises, and knows this is one promise she can keep.

"What happened?" she demands as soon as she gets to his room; his mom lets her in without protest, having been used to Quinn being a permanent fixture in the house last year.

He's lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. His eyes are red and swollen. "Oh, no," she says, putting her hand over her mouth. "She broke up with you, didn't she?"

"It's- not that," he says, his voice calmer than it was over the phone, but still shaking slightly. "She- she was cheating on me."

"Oh, _Artie," _she says, and immediately goes over to him. She helps prop him up to sit against the backboard of his bed. "With who?"

He sighs. "_Santana."_

She sucks in a breath. To be honest, she had thought everyone knew Brittany and Santana had been sleeping around before, but to be fair, most assumed it stopped when she started dating Artie.

He shakes his head. "I've had two girlfriends. Both have cheated because they wanted something else. I don't know what to do."

"Artie." She grabs his shoulders pulls him up to her eye level. "You're worth a lot, you know that? She should be grateful to have the chance to date you at all. You're an amazing person, and those two are not worth it. Santana is a manipulative bitch, and only cares about herself. That's probably pretty rich coming from me, but the point is, Brittany doesn't deserve you."

"You're right." He gives her a weak smile. "That is rich coming from you." There's a pause, and then he begins to laugh; after a moment, she joins in.

"You're pretty nice, Quinn," he says. "You're kind of bitchy, and a bad girlfriend, but you're still pretty nice. And I'm glad you fixed things up with Sam."

She smiles. From any other boy, she would have expected more compliments, but from him, she's happy with his simple statement. "Now, let's get some junk food in you, just like when I was pregnant," she jokes, and he laughs again.

"Sounds like a plan."

.

She freezes in horror when Kurt's name is called. Everything she worked so hard for. Vanished. Gone. Just because a bunch of assholes decided to play a joke.

It's horrible, but she's incredibly full of self pity in that moment.

She sees Kurt run out, Blaine after him, and is soon gone herself. She runs to the bathroom, and is surprised to find Rachel come in behind her.

She's even more surprised when she slaps Rachel, and is instantly angry at herself for having done so. She doesn't really want Rachel to think she hates her that much. What she hates is watching Rachel sing to Finn, and have him be staring back at her, leaving her feeling alone again.

So they talk. She finally tells Rachel how scared she is of the future, and that she doesn't know how she'll manage once she doesn't have her popularity and boyfriends. These are the things she's built her life around, and she can't stand the thought of losing them.

These are the things that, no matter what happens, keep her moderately happy. Having boys fawn over her, kids parting to let her go by in the hallways, and being put on top of the pyramid during cheerleading competitions. They don't give her endless joy, but the keep her sometimes content. They keep her from completely breaking down, even though she might have done an even better job of not doing that while pregnant.

"We should go back out," Rachel suggests, smiling. "Kurt's probably taking this pretty hard."

She nods, "I'm being pretty selfish." She gives a small laugh.

"It's okay," Rachel says, "I'm not really one to talk."

She laughs again.

Later, she mostly dances by herself, but she drags Artie out and spins him around in his chair for a little bit, and then Rachel flashes her a grin again, and somehow, it's the first real bit of happiness she's had in a while.

It all comes crashing down when Finn breaks up with her.

She should have seen it coming, especially after prom. He's still in love with Rachel, and she's still in love with him, despite Jesse. Who she's actually quite mad at for returning, because she doesn't want Rachel to end up with her heart broken again.

Artie was right. It's _her _who's ending up with the broken heart.

.

New York is fantastic, of course, but she came here with her parents many years ago, she she's not quite as enthralled by the city as everyone else seems to be.

She actually finds how excited Rachel is about it pretty cute.

She mostly explores with Artie. They take a walk in Central park, and go look at the Empire State Building together. It's fun.

But it's not the same as going through the city with someone to hold your hand, or kiss your cheek, or take you to dinner and insist they pay. She loves Artie, but she really does see him as just a friend. He may be the first boy she's never really wanted romantic attention from.

"Why the long face?" he asks as they sit down to lunch in a small café.

"I don't know," she says with a shrug, "everyone else is wandering around with their boyfriends, and after all that, I still don't have anyone."

He sighs. "Quinn, maybe you don't _need _anyone. Didn't you say last summer you wanted to be independent for a while?"

She turns red. "Well, that was then. Things changed."

"Right, you wanted your life back…can I ask? Did it really make you feel any better?"

For a moment, she considers lying, but then remembering her blurting out the truth to Sam, and decides to give the same answer.

"No."

He just smiles. He doesn't say 'I told you so' or try to make her see the error of her ways. Instead, he asks what she's having.

She tells him it'll probably be the chicken.

.

She really does want to know why she can't have love. Love is what's supposed to make you happiest of all, and every time it comes near her, it gets repeatedly torn from her grasp.

Or maybe she does have it; other people just don't have it for her. The one she wants doesn't have it for her, at least.

She's quite taken aback at the idea of Santana offering her sex, and tells her she's not really into that, which is only a half lie- she certainly wouldn't want that with _them. _

So she's fairly relieved when she finds out the only thing on the agenda is a haircut. Especially after seeing Finn and Rachel kiss on stage, causing them to lose, because frankly, what she could use right now is a fresh start.

So when they get back to Lima, after what it seems is Finn and Rachel's reunion, she pulls Rachel aside. "I'm tired of hating you."

Rachel looks shocked for a moment, and then gives a small smile. "I sort of am, too."

"I don't expect us to be best friends, but I think we should just…stop competing from now on. There's no point. And maybe…we could hang out sometime. Clear the waters."

"Okay," Rachel says, nodding. "Sure. That sounds…good. I like your hair, by the way."

Quinn grins. "Thanks."

Rachel waves and goes back into the choir room. Artie sees her standing outside and rolls his wheelchair out to join her. "Hey. What was that?"

"That was…me trying to do something to fix my mess."

He smiles. "It must be hard to have to push those feelings aside."

She sighs. "Yeah, it is."

"Want to ditch practice and go get ice cream?"

There's a pause.

"I'd love that."

It's not happiness, or even anything close, but maybe she's getting there.

.

**I've got to admit, this chapter was awful to write. It wasn't going right at the beginning, and I had to change a bunch of stuff, but here it is, and I hope you enjoy. One more part left, and I'm super excited. I hope you guys like it.**

**Hugs because I love you guys,**

**Kathleen **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Don't you think asking again is just wasting your breath?**

.

"Why do you date so many boys, Quinn?" Rachel asks as they walk one day in the park. Finn had gone out of town for a baseball game with Kurt and his dad, and had ordered a group of them to hang around Rachel until he got back to avoid her being lonely. Quinn wasn't on the list- not that she was surprised. But Rachel insisted, and Quinn once again sees the kind side behind her egotistical nature.

It makes her love her even more.

"Who knows?" she asks gaily, hoping for the subject to be dropped.

"I'm sure you do," Rachel persists, and Quinn gets a flash of why the other glee clubbers seem to find Rachel so annoying. But no- these are the qualities that Quinn finds endearing about her. At the same time, however, she can't help but think Rachel is a bit too pushy.

"I really don't know, Rachel," she says, and prays for the answer to be enough.

It's not.

"Quinn, it's okay- you can tell me," she says, a shade of a condescending tone showing through her voice. Quinn really doesn't like that voice- she's heard it from her mother and father too much over the years to ever like it. "If you think you need a boyfriend to be popular, you're wrong. You're plenty pretty and smart by yourself."

"Coming from you?" she demands haughtily. "The girl who also dated three guys in one year, two of whom you were only with to get over Finn?"

For a moment, Rachel looks pained, but she recovers quickly. "That was a mistake. I shouldn't have tried to use Jesse to get over Finn, nor Puck. I couldn't see what was in right in front of me." She rounds on Quinn. "However, you don't have much to say, considering you dumped Puck, dated Sam and cheated on him, then started dating Finn and got consequently dumped again."

"Yeah," she says with a sigh. "I don't ever win, do I?"

"I didn't mean it like that," Rachel says, shocked for a moment. "I mean…that must be horrible. Always getting caught out and on the outside looking in. I'm sorry. What I meant to say was, don't you just get tired of getting your heart stomped on?"

For a second, she's tempted to say the same thing to Rachel, but to be quite honest, she wouldn't believe her words. It's possible Rachel could have chosen to be independent. But she didn't; she just chose Finn.

"I guess," she admits grudgingly. Rachel smiles happily.

"Good," she says. "I wouldn't want you sneaking in to steal Finn again!" She gives a light hearted laugh, and despite the cheerfulness in her voice, Quinn can't help but detect that it's a little forced. It occurs to her that Rachel still sees her as competition; that she's honestly scared Finn will again decide she's not good enough, and come crawling back to her. Maybe their friendship will always have an undercurrent of competition, but it pains Quinn to know she's made Rachel feel that way for so long.

"I wouldn't dream of it," she says, and Rachel smiles again, a bit ironically, but it's a smile nonetheless.

"It's actually funny that the boy you're closest to is the one you would never consider going out with," she says randomly, and Quinn's head snaps up.

"Excuse me?" she asks quietly. "What do you mean?"

"Well, Artie, of course," Rachel says slowly, surprised. "I just thought it's funny that he was one of the only boys you never considered romantically, even though you spend half your time together." She laughs again. "Hey, maybe you _should _go for him."

"Yeah, right," she says grinning. "The chances of that happening are slimmer than Finn getting over his need to be popular and choosing you." She pauses. "Of course, that _did _happen, so…"

"Why not, though?" she asks curiously, causing Quinn to shrug.

"Because I really just see him as a friend. He's a perfectly nice boy, and I love him- but as a friend. It's nice to have a guy to talk me who doesn't just want into my pants. He's my best friend."

Rachel smiles at this. "I'm glad you're happy around him, then."

Quinn smiles back, hers now becoming slightly forced, knowing she's not there just yet.

.

From that day, Quinn notices Artie more.

It's as if Rachel's comment awakened some strange thought. It makes her look at Artie a bit differently from then on. Not in a way that makes her want to pursue him, but in a way that makes her realize she probably _could _get him, if she so desired. Didn't Puck once tell her she could get any boy she wanted? Granted, that was a ploy to get her to sleep with him, but she can't help but realize the truth in the statement. Despite it having been said to flatter her, there's no doubt that virtually any boy would come running to her the moment she asks.

But maybe Artie is different. After all, he once told her she was wrong about thinking she could just snap him up. It's weird to think that there could be a boy who could resists her charms.

She finds herself thinking what a nice smile he has one day while they're getting coffee at The Lima Bean. He's paid, like he generally insists on doing for small things, and he grins at her as he hands the cashier a tip, and she smiles back, noticing the way his face gets lighter and happier, and how he becomes the type of person you'd want to know when he smiles. She probably should have observed this before, but never seemed to.

"Are you okay?" he asks her curiously. Evidently her face had taken a funny expression.

"Yeah," she says cheerfully. "Glad we're here."

"Me too," he says, though he shoots her another odd look.

"So, I was thinking," he says, putting down his coffee. "We should both be single this year." He raises an eyebrow. "I mean, last year's pact didn't go too well for you, but I figured we could handle it together. I mean, not that I think what you did last year was, um, too- bad- I just-"

"Artie," she says, interrupting him with a laugh. "I know you don't mean anything by it. And you know what? You might be right. Okay. I'll do it." She holds out her hand for him to shake. "Deal?"

He laughs with her, and shakes her hand. "Deal."

He has a _really _nice smile.

.

Being a senior is…complicated. Tiring. Freshman's stare a lot, as if they want a glimpse into the old age of eighteen, but are terrified to talk to you. The work load is absolutely massive. Teachers seem to have decided that now would be the time to pile it on, rather than last year. She resents the time her sister told her that senior year was a 'slacker year' compared to the eleventh grade.

Still, it keeps her busy, which is really her aim. She's always passed everything easily, but this new degree of work requires so much effort she barely has time to think anymore.

For this, she's thankful. She has so much on her plate that dating is usually the last thing she thinks about. Nevertheless, it crops up when she lies in bed at night, and tries to reflect on her day, the way her Priest once told her to each night.

Rachel and Finn are, once again, being sickly sweet- the only difference is that this time, Rachel makes an effort to be nice to her, and Finn tolerates her presence around them. It's sweet of her, really, but she doesn't like that Rachel might be taking pity on her, and the last thing she wants is pity from the girl. It's bad enough she can't have Rachel, but to have her patronize her consistently? It's extremely irritating, especially because Rachel seems to think she should pity her because of Finn.

She almost considers going out with someone so she can look less pathetic, but ultimately decides against it. She doesn't want to break her pact with Artie, the one guy she's never truly betrayed.

It does get to be too much, sometimes, though. The worst comes when she walks in on Sam and Mercedes kissing in the choir room before anyone gets there for practice. Her mouth falls open in surprise, and she gives a little gasp, causing them to turn around.

"I'm so sorry," she manages to say through her shock. "I just…I didn't know anyone was…I think I'll go now."

"See you," Mercedes calls, and she hears them laugh. She wonders if they're making fun of her, or if the situation really is comical. She certainly didn't find it so.

But maybe she should. Perhaps she should just manage to be happy for them, the way she convinces herself she is for Finn and Rachel. She really shouldn't be upset at all. She has no claim over either of them.

Part of her wonders if she's jealous of Mercedes, but pushes the idea out of her mind. She's over Sam, and has been for a while. She still feels bad about what she did, but since they're on friendly terms now, she doesn't dwell on it too much.

Mercedes and her did used to be friends, and she feels a pang at knowing Mercedes and her aren't close enough to share things like that anymore.

She doesn't really have any idea _what _she's feeling, until she walks into class one day, to see Finn with his arm around Rachel, Sam smiling affectionately at Mercedes, and Kurt and Blaine holding hands under the desk.

She's lonely.

.

"Have you considered joining the math club again?" Artie asks her one day as they walk home.

She laughs. "Not in the slightest."

"Why not?" he asks curiously.

"Because I'm not sure I would get too warm a reception. They didn't like me much in the first place."

"Oh, come on," she says, gesturing at her. "They would now. You're tall, blonde, and gorgeous. They would love to have you around. Most of them hardly get near a girl that isn't their mom." She blushes at his compliment, and giggles at the joke.

Another thing she notices about Artie: he always slips in little bits of praise that are so casual they're barely worth drawing attention to.

"Maybe," she says. He grins.

"Plus, it would look great on your college applications. Hey, have you put in any thought as to where you're going?"

She groans. "Ugh. No. And please don't lecture me about it; I'll figure it out soon, okay?"

"Okay," he agrees, nodding. "But have you considered us going to school together?"

"What?" she says, this time smiling in spite of herself. "We're not married, Artie."

"I know," he says. "I just thought it'd be nice for us to have someone we know around. You don't have to, I guess…but it would be fun. We could even rent an apartment together, or something. It would be a lot of fun."

"Well," she says, considering, "it would be nice…but my mom would never agree."

"Are you kidding me? Moms love kids in wheelchairs," he says, and this time, the smile dips off his face a little.

"I'm sorry," she says, even though it won't do much good. "Parents shouldn't see you that way." She nudges him. "And I'm sure not all do- you dated Brittany, remember? We all know what was going on between you two. Don't tell me her parents didn't get a little worried."

"Nope," he says, rolling his eyes. "I was a nice boy in a wheelchair. But this could be to our advantage this time. Talk about it with her, okay?"

"Okay," she agrees. "So, how are things with Brittany, anyway?"

"Things? What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, I was just wondering…"

"Brittany and I are friends now," he says firmly. "I don't want to start dating her again; not after what she did. I don't think I could ever be with someone again who cheated on me. No offense," he adds.

"None taken," she says. "And to be fair, Finn was the one who made that mistake."

"Right," he says, his eyes twinkling. "Anyway, we made a pact to not date anyone, right?"

"Um, yeah," she says, biting her lip.

"Quinn," he says slowly, "are you seeing someone?"

"No!" she answers immediately. Artie gives her a doubtful look. "Really, I'm not. It's just weird to not be dating someone when it seems like this is the moment everyone else has a boyfriend. Mercedes has Sam, Rachel has Finn, Kurt has Blaine, Tina has Mike…and I have nobody."

"You have me," he says, looking hurt, and she backpedals quickly.

"I didn't mean that," she says. "It's just…everyone else is so happy. Why can't I have that?"

"You _did _have that," he answers. "Several times, but you kept messing it up. And the reason for that is that you don't _need _a man, Quinn. You're great by yourself, and this year, I really think you need to focus on…you."

"Rachel sort of said that," she says randomly.

"Rachel said that?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.

"I mean…we were talking one day, and she said that I didn't need a guy to be popular. That I was pretty and smart enough by myself. I'm not sure she was completely right, though."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I don't think I just want them for popularity. Part of me does, but I think I wanted them because I couldn't have…_her."_

"That's why you did all that?" he asks incredulously. "Just to get over her?"

"Sort of," she says with a shrug. "If I focus on another boy, then I can ignore her pretty well."

"And it makes you happy to do that?"

The question throws her off guard for a moment.

"As you can see…not really."

.

"Do you want to go trick or treating with some of us?" Rachel asks her brightly one day after practice.

"With you guys?" she asks, eyebrow raised.

"Yeah," Rachel continues. "It would be lots of fun. It's me, Finn, Mike, and Tina going. Kurt and Blaine might be, too, but I'm not sure."

"If it's going to be some sort of couple's event, then no," she says coolly, and Rachel's face shows her surprise.

"I guess I didn't think about it that way. You can bring Artie if you want," she offers, but Quinn shakes her head.

"I'll have to pass. It's a school night, and I have…a lot of homework to do. Besides, it might be difficult to take Artie trick or treating, and he's not my boyfriend, anyway."

"Well, I know that," she says, nodding. "I just thought, since you're best friends…though you _look _like a couple sometimes…"

"Except we're not," she clarifies.

"I know."

"Good."

.

"Candy?" Artie offers as she walks in his front door.

"No," she declines. "I'll have to pass." The fact that she said that to Rachel earlier doesn't go unnoticed by her, but it doesn't seem to be of any significance.

"So, are you coming tonight?" he asks as he grabs a white jacket.

"Going where?"

"Trick or treating," he says, giving her a funny look. "Mike invited me earlier, and I figured since I didn't have anything else to do…"

"Rachel invited me earlier," she says, rolling my eyes. "But I decided since everyone would be going with their boyfriends, I didn't want to go."

"Oh, come on," he says eagerly. "I haven't been trick or treating in years- it'll be fun."

"I don't know…"

"Avoiding everyone won't make it easier. Especially avoiding _them."_

"I'm not trying to avoid them," she says. "I just don't know if I can stand to watch it all."

"How ca you be friends with her?"

"Because she's not around Finn when I'm with her," she say, irritation creeping into her voice. He arches his eyebrows.

"Quinn, just because you don't have a boyfriend to mask it all, it doesn't mean you can act like they don't exist."

"Who says?" she snaps angrily.

"I do," he says, rolling his eyes. "I also say you should come with me, or _I'll _be alone."

"Would you want to go trick or treating with Brittany and Santana?" she demands.

"I wouldn't care," he says with a shrug. "Brittany's my friend now. We really have moved past that. I think you need to do that, too."

"And if I don't want to?"

"God, Quinn- are you still in love with her, or something?"

"Yes!" she exclaims, and realizes a second to late what she just said.

"I…thought you just had some leftover feelings for her," he says, his eyes widening. "Oh…wow. I'm sorry. I thought you had decided it wasn't really love you were feeling, despite what you claimed. That's…too bad."

"Yeah, well, it is," she mutters, and he wheels closer, pulling her down for a hug.

"That sucks," he says quietly, and she nods.

"Yeah, it does," she whispers.

As he pulls back, he says, "Look, you shouldn't have to come if it makes you so unhappy. I won't go. We'll stay and hand out candy, or something."

"No, thanks," she says, smiling weakly. "It might be a good idea if I do this. You're right, as always. If I want to get over her…I have to start now."

"Awesome," he says encouragingly. "Show them you're fine on your own. That's what I do."

"And how does that work out for you?"

"I haven't exactly gotten any offers."

"That's a good thing?"

"Maybe?"

.

"Mr. Schue," Rachel says as he comes into the room. "Finn and I have been talking…we've decided you can give our solos to someone else again. Just for this competition, of course." She smiles brightly around the room, clearly under the impression what she's just done was an act of great nobility.

"Um…all right, Rachel," Mr. Schue says, clearly taken aback. "We'll do that, then. So, who wants a solo this year?" he asks the room as a whole. Rachel looks a little disappointed at being unable to put her hand up, and Quinn smiles at this.

"Me," Kurt says automatically, at the same time as Mercedes. Blaine and Sam share a look.

"Actually," Rachel pipes up, "I don't think Kurt should have a solo this competition. Nor Mercedes. I was hoping Kurt would sing with me at Nationals, and Mercedes would do a solo at Regionals."

Once again taken aback, the whole room stares at her. "Are you serious?" Kurt splutters, and Rachel nods.

"Of course. We sound fantastic together, and we didn't manage a win last year. It can't hurt to try."

"Are you sure?" Finn mutters to Rachel. "I wanted to chance to do a duet with you."

"Hush, Finn," she whispers back, and Quinn gives a snort of laughter.

"So," Mr. Schue says, attempting to bring back the discussion. "Who would like a go that isn't Kurt or Mercedes?"

Hands float up into the air. She finds her own has risen up without her consent, and turns to see Artie holding it up high.

"Stop it!" she hisses, but he grins and pulls it up even more.

"Tina?" he asks, glancing at the hand she's holding tentatively in the air. "You want to try it?"

"Yeah," she says quietly, nodding. "I want the chance."

"Great," he says, grinning. "The solo?" She nods. "Perfect. We still need someone to sing a duet, though…Artie and Quinn- you want a go?"

Artie glances at her hopefully. She rolls her eyes, but folds anyway.

"Yes," Artie says, and releases her hand. She finds she misses the warmth a little.

"Fantastic!" Mr. Schue exclaims. "Now, song selection is something we have to work on…"

As Rachel pulls out her folder and starts shooting off ideas, for the first time, she finds herself not paying attention to a word the girl says. She does notice how Artie encouraged her, though.

It's always nice to have a friend like that.

.

"Here's the research I did," Kurt says, taking a seat at the table to work on the history project they'd been assigned to do together. "Do you have your half ready?"

She pushes a folder over. "Here"

"This is good," he says, nodding as he looks it over. "All right. Let's get to work."

Before we do…" she says hesitantly. "Can I ask you something?"

"I suppose."

"What's it like being with Blaine?" she asks eagerly, leaning forward.

"Oh, God, you're not after him too, are you?" he asks, eyeballing her.

"No," she says, taken aback. "I was just wondering what it feels like to be with someone when you love them so much."

He smiles. "It feels…great. Loving someone, I mean."

"I don't quite understand."

"It feels like…like you would do anything for that person. It feels like the only thing you want for them is happiness, and you would do anything to give that to them, no matter how much it hurts."

She ponders this, wondering if this means that she doesn't love Rachel as much as she always thought- she knows the girl is happy with Finn, but she doesn't want them to be together- no, she wants to be with her.

_But that doesn't mean you don't love someone, just because you want to be with them_, she reasons.

"Remember that time I was a bitch to you a couple years ago?" she asks, giving Kurt a small smile. He smiles back.

"Yes, unfortunately," he says, and she laughs.

"I'm sorry," she says, attempting to keep her voice light, but coming off heartfelt.

"It's okay. I don't totally blame you."

"You should."

"I know."

With that, she gives another snort of laughter, and this time, he joins in, rather merrily.

"I remember asking you to give Rachel that makeover, and you pretended like that conversation never happened," she says, and he nods.

"It wasn't something I was desperate to bring up." He shifts in his chair, and passes her a book. "Here: read through chapter three again to make sure all the notes match up."

"All right," she says, smiling at him again. They say nothing for the next hour, but there's a feeling of comfort in the air- even contentment.

Contentment, but not happiness.

.

"Excited?" Artie asks her with a grin, wheeling up to her, and she smiles hesitantly back.

"Sort of. Kind of nervous."

He nods in understanding. "Yeah. I get that."

"How about you?" she asks, sitting down next to him.

"Not at all," he says, giving her a cocky grin, but she knows he's really lying, and that his stomach is twisting inside as well.

There's no reason to be nervous, really. They do wonderfully with their song, as does Tina. Both performances are greeted to thunderous applause, and everyone dog piles them as they're handed the winning trophy.

Rachel gives her a hug and laughs, before running off to congratulate everyone else. Quinn touches her neck, still feeling Rachel's arms there, and grins. Artie catches her eye, and smiles. She waves him over.

"You proud of us, Fabray?" he asks teasingly.

"You bet I am, Abrams. We won!" she cries, and starts to laugh loudly, with many others joining in.

"And we're going to keep doing that," he says brightly, and pulls her down for a hug. She hugs him back, initially surprised at how warm and nice it feels to hug him.

Artie glances over, and notices Brittany give Santana a kiss on the cheek. He ducks his head, and Quinn pats his shoulder sympathetically.

"Does it hurt a lot to see them together?" she inquires gently.

"Not that much," he says with a shrug. "I'm…I'm over her, it's just- last year, we were together at Sectionals, and now…she's with Santana, and it made me feel sort of sad." He looks up. "I guess I understand what you mean when you say that it hurts to see everyone else have someone, except for you. But it'll be okay, because we're still staying single, right?" He smiles brightly. She does her best to smile back.

"Yup," she says, but the words come out a little forced, and still, her eyes stray to where Rachel has thrown her arms around Finn, and quickly turns her back.

"Come on," she says, pushing Artie's chair. "Let's ditch them and get some pizza. I think we could both use something to cheer us up."

.

"Quinn, dear," her mother says impatiently, "Come help set the table. The guests will be arriving any minute now."

Quinn sighs and heaves herself off the couch she'd been reading a book on, warmed by the fire.

The guests, she knows, consists of Caitlin and Jeremy, who are bringing dessert; Artie, who has been invited to Christmas Eve dinner after her mother had suggested he come over; her mother's friend, Jane, who always ends up at these special dinners, as if in place of her father; and, unbelievably, Blaine and Rachel, who were invited over because the Hudmels, as Finn calls their blended family, had agreed to have no significant others over for Christmas. Rachel, being Jewish, planned on doing nothing for the evening after hearing this, and Blaine's parents, as it turned out, were going to visit Blaine's grandparents who apparently didn't like Blaine very much after having heard of his sexuality. Naturally, she had stepped in so that they would have something to do that evening.

She finishes setting the table, resting the last knife down with a small noise. Her mother pokes her head in. "Everything all right?"

"Yes!" she calls. "I'm just finishing up."

"What time are your friends getting here, sweetie?" she asks, and Quinn shrugs.

"I don't know…probably soon?" she answers, but it comes out more like a question.

The real answer comes in the form of a ring from the doorbell. "That's probably them." Her mother nods, and heads back to the kitchen to finish tossing a salad.

She heads to open the door, and is disappointed to find it's just Caitlin and Jeremy.

"Hi," she greets them unenthusiastically.

"Nice to see you, too," Jeremy says, quirking an eyebrow. She suppresses a giggle.

"Where's Mom?" Caitlin asks, and she rolls her eyes, because her sister is just as obnoxious as always.

"In the kitchen," she responds.

"Quinn, who's at the door?" her mother calls from the kitchen, and she has no choice but to lead them in.

"It's just Caitlin and Jeremy," she says, and her mother rushes out of the kitchen, throwing off her apron.

"Hello, dears!" she beams, engulfing them both in a hug. Caitlin beams back, and Jeremy smiles easily, although he looks awkward, like he usually does when shown enormous displays of affection by his in-laws- like her, he seems to understand how fake it all seems.

"Would you both like some wine?" she asks, bringing them into the living room.

"Not me, I'm driving," Jeremy says, but Caitlin nods enthusiastically.

"My day has been _so _stressful," she begins, but is soon interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing again.

"I'll get it," Jeremy says, jumping up.

"It's probably for me, though," Quinn says, but he had already hurried to the front entrance again, and she has no choice but to follow.

This time, it's Rachel, who looks rather nervous at being there. Quinn smiles widely.

"Hi," she says cheerfully, and gestures inside. "You can just hang up your coat in the closet there. My mom and sister are in the living room, but we can go upstairs if you want."

She shrugs. "That's okay. I can go talk to them. Is this your boyfriend?" she adds, nodding at Jeremy. Quinn could swear she sees a hint of disapproval in her eyes.

"No, he's my sister's husband," she says quickly, and Rachel gives him a smile, sticking out her hand.

"Rachel Berry. I've auditioned for a number of successful local productions and have taken lead on several show choir competitions. Perhaps you know me?"

Quinn can tell Jeremy is trying hard not to laugh. He shakes her hand, smiling. "Jeremy Perkins. Perhaps you've heard of me? I work at an office that develops new software for computer companies."

"Um," Rachel starts, clearly unsure whether or not he's joking. "I…can't say I have, no."

He laughs. "It's okay. I'm not sure I expected you to. I'll see you, girls." He gives Quinn a tiny wink before heading off.

"So," Quinn says, and for the first time, realizes that this could potentially turn awkward.

It's one of those times she's glad she's in love with someone like Rachel and not Brittany.

"My dads and I are going caroling down the North End to raise money for those who need financial aid for school," Rachel says importantly as they head into the living room. "Plenty of theatre enthusiasts are coming to watch, and I'm sure they'll be able to pick up on my fabulous talent amongst all the loud complaints of walkers." She leans in close. "A lot of community theatre instructors live around there- as it turns out, they don't make a lot of money. If you'd like, you could come along. I've asked Mercedes, but she said something funny about having to bake a cake that day."

"Um, Rachel? Doesn't it kind of defeat the purpose of going caroling when you go _after _Christmas?"

"My dads say that people need joy more when Christmas-or Hanukkah- is over, because then they're going to be miserable about everything."

Quinn nods, considering this. "You know, Rachel…you might have a point." They enter the kitchen.

"Hello, I'm Rachel Berry," she says brightly, turning to Quinn's mother, who gives a polite smile back.

"Hello, dear," she says. "You're one of Quinn's friends?"

"Yes," she says, nodding. "I'm in the New Directions with her. I sing lead, of course, although I do admit Quinn's talent has rather improved over the past two years. However, I feel I may be one of the only ones to make it professionally as a singer. Even Kurt may have difficulties, though I hope he succeeds, as he is tremendously gifted vocally. Perhaps not as much as myself, but his voice is very unusual."

Quinn's mother gives her a skeptical look, and she manages to bite back a laugh. The one thing she's certain of is that Rachel and her mother are never going to get along very well.

"Which one is Kurt?" her mother inquires, and Rachel pipes up.

"He's rather tall, has skin like porcelain, and wears extremely fashionable clothes."

"Ah," her mother says, seeming to remember. "Is he the gay one?"

"Yes." Rachel nods stiffly. "That's not a problem, I assume?"

"Oh, no, of course not," her mother says immediately, and smiles reassuringly. "I'm just not familiar with most of them by name."

"Oh, good," Rachel says, relaxing her tight posture. "Blaine, one of the boys who's coming around tonight, is his boyfriend."

"Really?" Caitlin asks, speaking for the first time during this conversation. "Right. Um, okay."

"Caity," her mother warns.

"I'm sorry," she says, putting down her glass of wine. "But I have no desire to be lectured throughout dinner about gay rights."

"Well, that's what you would get even if he weren't coming," Quinn says, rolling her eyes. "Rachel has two dads."

"Two _gay _dads," Rachel corrects her, and Quinn gives her a smile.

"That's…_interesting," _Caitlin says, and this time, Quinn shoots her a look.

Mercifully, the doorbell rings. Her mother runs up to get it, leaving Quinn, Rachel, Caitlin, and Jeremy to wait for a minute in silence.

"So," Jeremy says at last. "How about those Red Sox?"

And Quinn finally starts to laugh. After a moment, Rachel joins in. Caitlin is the only one who says nothing, and casts Blaine, who takes a seat next to Artie, a disdainful look as he comes in.

"Artie gave me a ride," he explains, and Quinn smiles brightly at Artie, who grins back at her.

"Thanks for inviting us," he says, and Quinn waves his thanks away with her hand.

"I'm happy to have you," she says. "You're sure you're not free for tomorrow?"

He shakes his head. "My family's insisting I spend Christmas with them tomorrow, or they're going to start thinking I've got a new girlfriend."

"See? I'm not the only one who's thought of it," Rachel says triumphantly, and Quinn turns a bright red. Artie gives her a quizzical look.

"Huh?"

"Nothing," she says quickly.

Rachel decides to be tactful enough to not say anything more on the subject. A moment later, Jane arrives, and her mother claps her hands together.

"Time to eat!" she chirps. "Into the dining room, everyone!"

"Ah, food- the ultimate filler of awkward silences," Jeremy says in a stage whisper.

.

"I feel sick," she groans, leaning her head on Artie's shoulder as they all settle around the fire again.

"You shouldn't have eaten so much cake, then," he chides, and she sticks her tongue out at him. He laughs.

Rachel watches them closely, and a few seats away, she can tell Jeremy is also glancing at them every so often, and she can't help but wonder why they're the main source of entertainment that evening.

"So," her mother says, entering the room and passing out coffee. "I hear you have a boyfriend, Rachel? What's his name?"

By the look on Caitlin's face, her guess would be "Maniac."

"Finn," Rachel says. "But I used to date Puck, then Jesse, and I dated Blaine for a brief period last year."

Blaine mutters something nobody really hears, but Quinn swears she catches the word "confused" in there.

"Finn?" her mother asks curiously. "Finn…Hudson?"

Rachel bites her lip, apparently realizing her mistake. "Um…yes. But, Mrs. Fabray, we- we didn't start dating un-until-" She cuts off in the middle of her sentence.

In the most painful thing she's ever had to do, Quinn says, "Mom, Rachel and Finn are…really well matched."

Artie smiles incredulously at her, and then pats her shoulder comfortingly. Rachel glances at her, surprised.

"Do you really think so?" she asks eagerly.

Quinn nods briefly. "Yeah."

"Isn't he the one who Quinn cheated on and then dumped her, and was idiotic enough to date her again last year?" Caitlin asks, and Quinn's face feels her face grow so hot she's half convinced it's going to burn off.

"That's him," Blaine says out of nowhere. "He's also my boyfriend's step-brother."

"He's _my_ boyfriend," Rachel says coolly, and suddenly, all four of them- Quinn, Rachel, Blaine, and Artie- are glaring at Caitlin as a collective unit.

"Whatever," Caitlin says, leaning back and folding her arms in a huff. Rachel grins at her, and she can't help but grin back.

"Oh…my God," Quinn's mom says suddenly, glancing out the window. They all turn to see what she's staring at, and Quinn's eyes widen.

Russell Fabray rings the doorbell, a sense of purpose around him. No one answers immediately, until Caitlin squeals, "Daddy!" and runs to get the door. Jeremy sighs. Artie mouths 'are you okay?' at her, and she nods, staring straight ahead.

"Hello," her father says, coming into the room. "I've come to say…Merry Christmas."

"If that's all you have to say, then you can go," comes a cold voice, and Quinn is surprised to see that Blaine has spoken.

"Excuse me? I- this is my family. I can say Merry Christmas to them if I like." He smiles at Caitlin and Quinn. "Hello, girls."

"Aren't you the one who kicked Quinn out of the house when she got pregnant?" The question from Rachel could have sounded innocent, if it weren't for the icy chill behind it.

Russell takes a deep breath. "I regret certain incidents in the-"

"No, you don't," Artie says immediately, and his voice has the power of steel behind it. "If you did, you would have at least apologized to Quinn at some point."

"Didn't you cheat on Judy with some random tattooed girl?" comes a small voice from the corner of the room.

"Um, yes, Jane, he did. Thank- you for…that," her mother says, and everyone immediately turns back to the action, as if the contribution hadn't happened.

Quinn's mother stands up. "She's right. I said I didn't want to see you hear again, and I meant it." She turns to Caitlin. "Don't even protest. You may see your father on your own terms, but he's not welcome here." Caitlin opens her mouth, as if thinking of disobeying, but then snaps it shut, scowling.

Russell glares, and then turns on his heel and stalks out. The door slams.

"Well," Jeremy says, standing up. "I think this would be a good time for hot chocolate. Anyone want to help?"

Rachel stands up. "I'll go."

As they head off into the kitchen, Quinn turns to Blaine and Artie. "Thank you. You didn't have to do that…but it was nice. I appreciate it."

Blaine smiles warmly. "Anytime."

"You know I'd doing anything for you, Fabray," he says, and even though there's a teasing note in his voice, she can tell he means it. She sighs, and leans her head on his shoulder. It's a really comfortable place to be. She wonders why she hasn't sat like this before.

"You're the best," she says with a grin.

"Yeah, I know."

"What about me?"

She rolls her eyes. "You too, Blaine."

He smirks. "I know."

.

"Do you have to go already?" Quinn asks, glancing at the clock, and is surprised to find it's already past midnight. "Oh, shoot- Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas to you too, Quinn," he says, and then wheels out of the little nook he's rested himself in. "But I do have to go. My mom was expecting me back an hour ago, and I know she'll be worrying her head off."

"Well, if you must," she huffs.

"I must," he says, laughing. "Sorry about that. Call me on boxing day, though."

"I will," she says, and he smiles. He wheels to give her one last hug before rolling out the door.

Jeremy moves closer to her. "So…what's with you and that Artie kid?"

"We're friends," she says, surprised, though part of her already senses what's coming.

"Really? I was talking with Rachel, and she said you two are always this close. I kind of figured there might be something going on." He shrugs. "If I'm wrong, I'm sorry."

"Well…then you're sorry," she says, but he gives her a knowing look. "Really. There is nothing going on between us. There never has been, and there never will be." For a moment, she realizes this fact applies to both Rachel and Artie. Except it's worse with the first.

It always will be.

.

"I don't want to talk to you," she says furiously, and Puck opens his mouth to retaliate, but she cuts him off. "I don't care what you have to say."

"Ms. Corcoran is back in town," he says, and suddenly, she feels as if a hammer has been dropped onto her head.

"I don't care," she says swiftly, turning on her heel.

"Quinn, it's our _daughter!" _he exclaims, hurrying after her. "Don't you at least want to see her?"

"No," she says harshly. "I…that part of my life is over, Puck. I don't want it back."

"I still love you, you know," he says, and she rolls her eyes.

"As if I believe you. Besides- it wouldn't matter. That fact- which I don't buy for a second- has nothing to do with…Beth." She says the name with difficulty, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. "It's a closed adoption, anyway."

"So that means you don't even want to try?" he demands.

She sighs, relenting, and turns around.

"Look, Puck," she says, softer this time. "I don't think it would be a good idea. I think we should just…move on. That's what I always wanted to do. Seeing Beth…that would just have the opposite effect."

"You're really not going to?" he asks after a moment of silence.

"I…don't think so," she says, shaking her head, and he smiles sadly.

"I didn't really think you would. But…I'm going to try, at least. I need to see her. You don't have to come."

She pats his arm. "Exactly." She turns and starts to walk away again, until his voice stops her.

"Quinn?"

"Yes?"

"I wasn't lying." With that, he gives her one last wave, and heads off to his class.

.

"You didn't need to be so hard on him," Artie says in the library at lunch one day.

"What was I supposed to do?" she demands, furious. "I don't think it's a good idea, but he wouldn't drop it!"

He looks at her thoughtfully. "You're positive you wouldn't want to see her?"

"I…I don't know," she says, examining a sketch someone made in the tabletop long ago as if it's the most fascinating thing in the world. Don't tell anyone this, but…I feel like it would…hurt."

"Didn't you love her?"

"Of course I did!" she says, her voice now shaken. "I mean…I think I still do; I just…I loved having her in my arms for a minute. If I go see her…she'll be there for one more, and then she'll be gone."

"I'm sorry," he says, and he looks rather sad for her, but she detects the tiniest drop of pity in his voice. "You know…there's probably someone who would go with you, and they might make it…easier? Of course, it would confirm my suspicions, but still…" He looks up at her. "If you really don't want to, though, I understand. I wouldn't want you to have to go through something that really hurts you."

"Who could I go with?" she asks, her curiosity piqued.

"Quinn." He holds her gaze. "Do you remember who else might want to see Ms. Corcoran right now?"

"Rachel," she answers immediately. He nods.

"I figured it might be easier for you if you went with her."

"I don't know…"

"Well, it's up to you. I just want you to be happy with your choice, Quinn."

"I'll try that," she says drily.

.

"Are you ready to go?" Rachel asks cheerfully when she comes to answer the door. She nods silently, grabbing her purse.

"I'm kind of excited," Rachel continues. "But also a little nervous." Quinn nods again, wishing she were paying attention to the girl, but finding herself incapable. Her sole focus was what would be waiting at the end of their short drive.

Ms. Corcoran had insisted that it was perfectly fine for her to visit Beth, and then mentioned Puck had already been to see her.

She hadn't really planned on going, but Rachel had phoned her mother, said she was going, and then told her she might as well drag Quinn along. She's both thankful and annoyed at her for it.

The apartment is a nice place, but she barely notices her surroundings as they're buzzed through, and head up in the elevator.

"Here we are," Rachel says excitedly as they approach a door labeled 137. "Hey-are you nervous?"

For a moment, she considers lying, but then gives a stiff nod. Rachel takes her hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

Quinn's heart skips a beat.

.

"Hi," she says breathlessly, as she approaches a small bed. "Hi."

Beth is still rather small, but that was to be expected, as it hadn't been a full two years since she'd had her. She notices the tuft of black hair- Puck's- but she has her own green eyes, and that fact makes her smile, before making her want to cry.

"Would you girls like something to eat or drink?" Ms. Corcoran asks warmly, before stopping when she sees Quinn simply staring down at her daughter. "I'll leave you alone with her, then."

Both Rachel and her mother exit, leaving Quinn to stare at Beth. The daughter she left behind, but wanted to keep so, so much. The daughter she will never have, no matter how many visits she pays. The daughter that will never be hers. She chooses to do the only thing she can in that moment.

She runs.

.

"Tell me again why you did it," Artie says, and she sighs.

"I couldn't face it, okay? Knowing I wouldn't be able to have her; I wouldn't be given that one thing that made me happy, if just for an hour of my life…I was a coward."

Artie touches her arm. "Hey, listen to me: you're not a coward. You're a lot of things, but you've matured far beyond that. You're strong, smart, brave, and drop dead gorgeous."

She blushes, but he doesn't seem to notice.

"Now," he says, "we should finish with these applications."

"If we must," she says, heaving a great sigh. He nudges her.

"We must."

"Crap."

.

Time starts to fly by after that. They win Regionals, with an incredible solo performed by Mercedes, and a number that was essentially half a duet between Finn and Rachel, and half Kurt and Blaine. She's happy to dance and sing mindlessly in the background this time around, and is legitimately happy to see her friends up there singing.

Yet, somehow, it hurts. It hurts to see Rachel and Finn looking like they're going to devour each other on stage- which they manage to refrain from, considering what the results were last time- and Kurt and Blaine acting like no one else is in the room. She sees Sam and Mercedes embrace, and Tina and Mike grasp hands during the performance. It stabs a knife through her heart, knowing she's still alone, and that the one person she really wants to be with will never have any interest in her.

It's things like this that make her consider Artie as a romantic option again. Despite that her feelings for him are strictly platonic, she can't help but wonder occasionally what being his girlfriend would be like. Certainly, it wouldn't be bad, as Tina and Brittany seemed to have liked dating him. It would probably involved more of those comfortable positions and warm hugs, and seeing him smile at her even more. The idea of kissing him, however…maybe it's because she's been his friend for so long that she can't wrap her head around the idea.

When she thinks about kissing Rachel, though- that's nice. She sometimes tries to shake herself out of this mentality, and reminds herself that while she loves Rachel, it isn't nice to be thinking about her that way; she's her friend, and the girl has a boyfriend.

She still can't stop. It's been like this for far too long to even consider doing so. And when she watches Finn and Rachel together, that lonely feeling creeps back up.

.

"You didn't tell me you got accepted to NYU," Artie says excitedly. Quinn just shrugs.

"I don't think I'm going to go."

"Why not?" he asks. "It's a huge deal. I figured you would jump at the chance to get out of here."

"I…I don't think I've been able to get out of here for a while, Artie," she says, biting her lip.

"It wouldn't be like you'd be the only one going," Artie says. "I know Kurt and Rachel are both going to school there, and Blaine's just waiting on his acceptance letter. Aren't you friends with him now?"

She nods, because it's true. Aside from Artie, Blaine had become her closest guy friend.

"So why won't you consider it?"

"Are you that eager to get rid of me?" she demands, arching an eyebrow.

He looks startled for a moment. "No, of course not. I mean, I sent in an application, too…I don't know if I'll get in, but…" He shrugs. "I figured we could go there together."

"Artie…" She sighs. "I just…my whole life is here. My family is here. My daughter is here. I would be able to get just as good an education, and then I could easily find a job there. Things in New York would be…complicated. If I stay here…nothing changes. I'm not ready for that huge leap just yet."

"But-"

"And I don't think you should be designing your future plans around me," she adds, and his mouth falls open.

"Excuse me?" he asks. For the first time in a while, she can't read his face.

"I'm saying," she says slowly, "that what you decide on-such as your college choices- shouldn't be influenced by what I decide." She leans forward. "You're going to do great, Artie…you can't just do whatever I do- we can't be with each other forever. One day, we need to go our separate ways. Or at least, we need to stop including each other in every little detail of our lives."

"So, you're saying you don't want to be friends?"

"No! Come on, we'll always be friends. I just don't want to think one of us didn't do something because the other didn't want to- or you did do something because the other wanted to, and then you regretted it later."

"I said I'd do anything for you, Quinn," he says. "I meant that. I would do anything to make sure you don't slip out of my life yet."

"Yeah, well, maybe you should try not treating me like a child for once," she snaps, and he looks at her, hurt in his eyes.

"Is that what you think? That I treat you like a child?"

"Yes!" she exclaims. "You're always giving me advice that I would probably figure out on my own, acting like I can't do anything for myself- you make it seem like it's your mission to guide the poor confused girl on in life through everything!"

He glares at her. "Well, if that's what I did, I can assure you it wasn't my _intention. _I've always just wanted to help you, you know. You have a lot of issues-"

"And you don't?"

"I-" For a moment he seems to be at a loss for words, but recovers quickly. "I have problems- I'm just not so constantly vocal about them."

"How is that a bad thing?"

"It means you can't take care of yourself!" he exclaims, and she flinches. "You really don't know how to figure things out for yourself when things go wrong, because you're so used to your life being set up for you!"

"Well," she says coldly, rising from where she was sitting on her bed. "If that's the case…then you shouldn't be so eager to be around me."

"You know," he says angrily, "I thought you'd seize the chance to go where she is. That seems to be your dream, after all."

"Are you serious?" she demands haughtily. "You're really throwing that in my face _now? _Did it ever occur to you that I took your advice, and I decided to let her go, because I knew it was hopeless?"

He stares her hard in the face. "No, it didn't- because I've been giving you that same advice for more than three years, and you never seem to follow it! Instead, you date a bunch of boys you don't care about so you can act like you're not in love with her, and then you mess things up each time because you eventually _need a new distraction. _I see how you look so longingly at her, and how you complain about being lonely, but really you mean you're upset you don't have her."

She glares fiercely at him. "You say it like you're so much better. Remember when you slept with Brittany to get over Tina? Or the time you tried desperately to get Brittany back after making yourself look like in idiot? Yeah, I do. And you said you _understood! _You said you knew now what it was like to feel lonely watching everyone else! I guess that was just a lie, then?"

"No, it wasn't!" This time, he's shouting, and she's thankful her mother isn't home. "I really did feel that way- I just don't know if I believe _you _do! I think you get lonely watching her with _him." _

"You can go now," she says, pointing at the already open door. He glares at her one last time.

"I hope you're happy," he says bitterly before wheeling out.

It seems now, for the first time, he's wrong about her several times at once.

.

They don't make up at Nationals, nor does she expect them to. They dance and sing happily, this time with no original songs, no stage kiss, and actually practicing more than a few days before the competition.

It's a glorious feeling when they see their group placed in the top ten, and even more so when- incredibly- they manage to scrape a win. Holding that trophy gives her the feeling that she's actually accomplished something, even though Kurt and Rachel did most of the work- them having sung a duet, and the latter of whom sang the solo. It's still that once in a lifetime feeling she knows she won't ever get again, so she clings to this moment, holding it tight to her chest. She actually turns around to hug Artie, before seeing him giving Tina one, and realizing they're not friends anymore.

They don't talk at the celebratory dinner that night. He doesn't even glance at her when Rachel stands up to make a toast.

"Ladies and gentlemen," she announces, and everyone grins. "This is somewhere I honestly thought we would never be. When we first started, I never dreamed we would end up here." Puck gives a, "Yeah, right!" and a few people laugh. "Okay, okay, maybe I did. But I never dreamed it would be with all of you guys- people who hated me in the beginning, but I think have come to tolerate me…and that we would have done it together. I couldn't imagine I would duet with Kurt on anything, or that we would all actually be sad to say goodbye to each other.

"I guess that's sort of the point, though. It proves how much we cared about each other- maybe even loved each other- that it hurts to say goodbye so abruptly like this. But I know that even if we end up half around the world, we'll always have this. Some of us will never consider staying in touch with others, but at the same time, we were part of this, and I really did never dare hope for that much." She wipes her eyes where tears seemed to have formed, and Quinn's surprised to find her own are damp, too. "Thank you."

No one says anything for a moment, but then, very slowly, they all begin to clap.

Quinn catches Artie's eye briefly, and then starts to clap the loudest of all. Just because she can.

.

Graduation approaches quickly, and it occurs to her then that this really is the end. All of the people she's come to know and love…they're going to be gone forever, and she's probably never going to see most of them again.

It's not until the end of the ceremony, when everyone had gathered to congratulate each other outside, that she even considers the possibility her and Artie could still be friends.

Blaine drops on one knee in front of Kurt.

Mouths drop and eyes pop open everywhere. She's embarrassed to find herself gaping, and quickly snaps her mouth shut.

"Kurt Hummel," he says breathlessly. "I'm in love with you, and I don't give a damn what anyone else says. We're going to New York, and we don't have to do this right away, but- will you marry me?"

Kurt's just as wide eyed as he stared at him, and then, ever so slowly, gives a little nod of his head.

Blaine jumps up immediately, and then they're kissing, and it's really sweet…but as she watches, it starts to get more heated, and she can tell there's plenty of tongue involved, and they look ready to devour the other's face in public, until Blaine pulls away, looking rather breathless.

Kurt laughs and joyously pumps his fist in the air.

It's like an avalanche as everyone runs to congratulate them, tripping over each other to get there first. Families and friends are hugging the two, and Quinn notices a few jocks looking resentful of it, or else uncomfortable at the kiss, but she chooses to ignore it then, because she knows that it could very well be her in such a situation, and people could be glaring at her for kissing a girl, and-

She pushes these thoughts away and just hugs them.

Everyone is laughing and crying as they break apart, and in the midst of it all, she randomly pulls Artie in for a hug. He looks shocked for a moment, then pulls her tightly towards him, almost knocking her off her feet in the process.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, and feels tears stinging her eyes.

"I'm sorry, too," he says, and holds her tighter still.

Eventually, he releases her, and as he pulls back, there's a funny look on his face.

"What?" she asks, confused.

"Nothing," he says, smiling. "You look amazing, by the way."

She laughs. "Why thank you."

"Anytime."

As everyone runs around, back to their families, or else back to Kurt and Blaine again to wish them luck, she can't help but feel that this is the most happiness she's experienced in a long time.

.

Summer passes quickly. She spends most of it hanging around with Artie, as she knows most of her other friends are spending it with their significant others. It's hard to be in a room with Kurt and Blaine anymore, because they inevitably start making out at some point- and she gives them that right; after all, they just got engaged. Brittany and Santana were apparently "taking time off," which she takes to mean they broke up because Brittany didn't graduate and Santana is playing to go off to Washington. Either way, they've both been avoiding people, apparently still in too much pain- although the idea of Santana feeling something as substantial as pain is rather ludicrous.

She'd like to spend some time with Rachel, but the girl is apparently squeezing all her last minutes in with Finn, who ultimately chose not to go to New York, as everyone knew deep down he would. They claimed they were going to attempt a long distance relationship, but once again, it was the sort of thing even they knew probably wouldn't work.

It hurts, because she knows that she may never see Rachel again, and she's seen her once over the summer, and that was when they all went to Breadstix as a group date, although for a few of them it had lost the "date" aspect of it all, due to them being completely single.

It might have been fun, but Kurt and Blaine started kissing again halfway through dinner, and while she has no problem with that in itself, people making out over pasta does tend to make things extremely awkward, especially when you had been having a conversation with one only moments before, and they don't come up for air for several minutes. Then Finn and Rachel start going at it, and she suddenly feels the urge to vomit, from both the fact that all this kissing is making her lose her appetite, and because it's so sickly sweet, it could give her cavities.

She starts to wonder if she would be okay with this if she had someone to kiss. Perhaps Kurt and Blaine making out with her there wouldn't be so awkward if she were alone. Maybe watching Finn and Rachel kiss wouldn't make her gag (although she doubts this one.) Perhaps she would feel better if she had someone she could pull down on a whim and start kissing.

She thinks it probably would. It's just too bad she has nobody.

.

In late August, she takes Artie to see Beth. She knows that he's the only person who can make her stay the full hour, despite her enjoyment in Rachel's company.

"Is this your boyfriend?" Ms. Corcoran asks cheerfully.

"Um, no," she says quickly. "He's just a friend." For a moment, she could have sworn she saw Artie look slightly crestfallen, but since he's smiling brightly as ever the next, she brushes it out of her mind.

"She's really pretty," he says, smiling down at the little girl in the cot.

"Yeah," Quinn agrees. "Too bad she didn't get my hair, right?" She nudges him playfully.

"Green eyes and black hair," he says thoughtfully, and she wonders if he's thinking aloud. "It's an interesting combination."

"I think she's beautiful," she says, leaning down to stroke her cheek.

"Oh, I think so, too," Artie says hurriedly. "She really is. She got her mother's good looks."

"Well, I hope she got some of my personality," she says. "Can you imagine…a female Puck?"

"What, you mean Santana?" he asks,grinning, and they both start to laugh. "Okay, okay- that was mean," he says after a minute, catching his breath. "But, God- I hope she doesn't turn out to be like that. I think there are two many people like that in the world, and not enough good ones."

"You really think I'm a good person?" she asks quietly.

"What? Of course I do," he says, and she laughs. "No, seriously, Quinn: you're a very good person. I mean, we all make mistakes, don't we? It doesn't stop us being good people. It doesn't mean we don't all deserve a chance to be happy."

She turns toward him, and she knows that her face looks vulnerable; open, scared- she just can't be bothered to care. "Do you think I'll ever get that?"

"What, happiness?" He takes her hand, squeezing it. "Of course I do. Everyone gets it, don't they? I guess we all have our own way of getting there…but we get it in the end. Some not until they're dead…but it happens. I think it happens for everyone."

.

"I'll miss you," Quinn says, releasing Blaine from the hold she's trapped him in. He smiles at her.

"I'm going to miss you, too. Text me anytime, okay? And then maybe we can skype sometime. Also, don't take to long to visit us," he says with a grin, and she grins back, before pulling him in for another quick hug.

Kurt comes over to give her a hug as well. "It'll suck being the only one around to insult Rachel when she wears something hideous."

Her stomach gives a squirm as she realizes how much she's really hurt the person she's in love with, but she shoves the guilt aside, and instead gives him a big smile.

"I'll e-mail you with ready made insults," she says, and he laughs, which she joins in on after a moment, although she knows no such e-mail will be coming.

Rachel comes over to her at last, having broken apart from Finn (the cavities she's getting, really) and gives Quinn a hesitant smile. "I know we've had some issues, but we've been friends this year, so…I really hope this isn't the last time I see you, Quinn." She envelops Quinn in a quick hug before waving and going to kiss Finn one last time.

Eventually, the tears dry out, and people can only give so many hugs before they'll miss their plane, so everyone waves goodbye as the three of them get on the plane, Kurt showing off his silver band that's his engagement ring, and Rachel taking a quick bow, before Blaine grabs them both and pulls them forward.

She should feel happy for them, she knows, but still she can't quite grasp the empty feeling that's spread insider her.

.

She's lonely.

She sees it for what it is this time, having already felt it several times before. Santana has gone off to Washington already, Tina and Mike are heading on their exchange program to England in a few days, and she has so very few people with whom she can hang around with anymore. It's not even watching couples' kissing that's making her feel this way; it's simply not having the comfort of her friends always by her side.

Artie starts to become her sole source of comfort anymore. Of course, he was always her best friend, but she at least had the option of being around someone else before. Now, unless she wants to go visit her sister and Jeremy- neither of whom she's seen since Christmas- or sit around watching her mother attempt to knit- something she's always been terrible at- he really is the only person she can go to when she wants to be with a friend.

She almost thinks he might get annoyed with her, but it seemed to be the opposite; he always seemed thrilled whenever she came by for dinner, or wanted to see a movie; he even took off time from prepping for classes one day to go shopping with her. (Although she thinks he's still recovering from that last expedition.)

One day, as they're lazily going through course plans, soaking in the very last rays of sunshine August has to offer, she asks him if he minds spending all this time with her.

"Of course not," he says immediately, looking surprised, and if possible, a little offended. "Why would you think that?"

"I don't know," she says with a shrug. "We just hang out all the time…I figured you might have gotten sick of me."

"Rest be assured," he says, looking into her eyes for a second. "I'm not sick of you just yet."

Before she even knows what she's doing, she leans forward and kisses him.

The first thing she registers is that his lips are soft. The second thing she registers is that he hasn't responded, and for a split second it feels like he might, but then he pushes pulls back immediately, looking shocked.

"I'm-I'm sorry," she chokes out, but he continues to stare at her.

"_How _many times have I told you, Quinn?" he demands, exasperated. "You don't _need _a boyfriend. I'm not just another guy like Sam or Finn that you can use to your own advantage." He takes a deep breath. "I-I think you should leave now."

She nods, picks up her binder and papers, and has wrenched the door open and gone out before she even knows what she's doing. She doesn't bother to look back.

When she's run a few blocks to a bus stop, she stops. Then she starts to cry, and the tears don't stop even after she's boarded the bus.

This time, she knows she's ruined their friendship for good.

.

She and Artie are going to the same school now, so it's almost impossible to avoid him. He's in half of her classes, but whenever she even opens her mouth near him, he immediately ducks his head or hurries out of the room to avoid her.

She's immediately thrust into the popular circle, as she somehow always thought she would be. Girls admire and envy her beauty, and there hasn't been a single boy in class who isn't one hundred percent gay that hasn't checked her out.

She gets asked out nine times in her first week, but never can she manage to say yes. She knows she can't do it, not after everything that's happened.

After a month, when Artie shows no sign of ever speaking to her again- and she doesn't really blame him- she finally calls Rachel.

"Hi, Quinn," Rachel says upon answering the phone.

"Hi, Rachel," she says, a little over enthusiastically, but to be fair, she hasn't spoken with her in almost two months.

"How's Lima?" Rachel asks, and even though it's a friendly enough question, she detects a hint of superiority in her voice for having escaped. She ignores it.

"Oh, it's great," she says lightly. "The classes are interesting, and I've made lots of new friends…lots of boys here," she adds, as if this will prove that she really is happy with her lot. Because love is the only real way to be happy in life; this much she knows now. And if she knows it because it's the opposite of what Artie said, well, that's another matter entirely.

"That's great. How's Artie, by the way?"

"Oh, he's fine, you know. He's been keeping really busy," she says easily, because it's technically not a lie. She has no real idea if she's fine or not, but whenever she sees him, he always seems to have his nose in a book, or is leaning over a paper, scribbling furiously.

"How's Kurt and Blaine?" she asks.

"Oh, they're great," she says cheerfully. "I've had to set certain times when I can leave the apartment for a certain amount of time, because they always seem to be going at it like rabbits, but that's been the only issue, really."

"How's Broadway going for you?"

"I'm still in school, Quinn," she says, and she takes this to mean she tried going for it, but was rejected more than once. "I plan to get truly invested in my career in a couple of years, when I'll have more time, but I do have to start preparing early, so they'll recognize my face then. It's hard seeing all the other talent around here, but I suppose it gives me a new drive to succeed." Quinn smiles a little at this, and right then, she feels herself fall in love again with this ambitious girl who she doesn't think will ever give up.

"Is being there everything you ever dreamed of?"

"Of course," Rachel says, and Quinn can tell she's beaming over the phone. "The only downside of it is that I keep running into Jesse here."

"_Jesse_?" she asks, unable to keep the laughter out of her voice.

"Yes!" she exclaims. "And don't laugh! I swear he'll never give up on me. We're always bumping into each other, and I'm half convinced Blaine's the one behind this."

"_Blaine?"_

"Ugh. He and Jesse have somehow become friends. It's rather frightening, because he comes over a lot, and I haven't told Finn, because I don't think he'd like it very much."

"No, he probably wouldn't," Quinn agrees, although she has to admit she doesn't like it very much either. "I could try to talk to Blaine for you."

"Oh, would you?" Rachel asks, actually sighing in relief. "Thank you. That would be wonderful. Anyway, Quinn, I've got to go, but it was nice talking to you!"

"Bye," she says, but the phone's already gone dead.

The sad thing is, the moment she's gone, her mind strays back to Artie.

.

One day, as she's heading out of class, she sees a familiar head of long brown hair, bouncing around. The girl looks nervous, as if she's scared to be back here.

"Rachel?" she asks, her mouth hanging open in shock. "What on _earth _are you doing here?" She's glad to see her, but can't come up with any logical explanation for the sudden visit.

"Oh, Quinn!" she exclaims. "I've been looking for you everywhere. Can we talk?"

"Um, sure," she says. "Where?"

"Oh, I don't know, can we just go to your house?" she asks. "I really need someone to talk about this with."

"All right," she says, putting her arm around Rachel's shoulders and leading her to her car.

"I'm glad to see you, Rach, but…why the sudden visit?" she asks as soon as they get in the house. She throws down her keys, and watches as Rachel gives a great sob and falls backwards onto the couch.

"Are you okay?" she asks slowly, and Rachel shakes her head.

"_N-no!" _she sobs, sitting up. "It's F-Finn!"

"Did he…break up with you?" she asks carefully, trying to sound sympathetic, but also working hard to control the excitement she was currently feeling.

"Not in so many words," she sniffs. "He just- he said we needed time apart. What does that even mean?" she demands, and Quinn shrugs.

"If I'm going to be honest, I have no idea. But if I'm also going to be honest…I think you need to get your mind off this. I think," she says, moving toward the fridge and pulling out two beers, "we both need to get really, really drunk."

Rachel laughs, and reaches for one of them. "Bring it on," she coughs.

.

Three hours later, and five beers each, along with a couple glasses of wine on her side and three wine coolers on Rachel's (Quinn had given up those on principle a long time ago) they're both so drunk they can barely see straight ahead of them.

"R-remember when I was Lucy?" she manages to get out.

"That was you!" Rachel exclaims, leaning her head on Quinn's shoulder and then falling over laughing. "Wow! You look different now!"

"I know! I don't even have glasses, look!" She points to her eyes, and joins in on Rachel's insane laughter.

"I always wanted glasses!" Rachel shrieks, and then makes fake glasses with her hands. "Hey, they look- good!"

"Rachel, I'm in love with you!" She bursts into more insane giggles and falls into Rachel's lap.

"I'm in love with you too, Quinn!" she says, blowing kisses.

For a second, in the drunken state her mind is in, she actually believes the words Rachel will have no recollection of in the morning.

She leans forward to press their lips together, making it the second these past few months she's kissed someone she has no business kissing.

For the briefest of seconds, Rachel kisses back, before drawing back, looking like she doesn't know who the person sitting in front of her worse.

"I have a-boyfriend," she says sharply, but the words come out slurred. "And I'm…I'm not gay."

She forces herself off the couch and into the front hall, where she promptly collapses.

She has no idea what she should do. She's stuck in a drunken haze, and her brain is halfway to convincing itself that collapsing next to Rachel would be a very good idea indeed.

Instead, she grabs the phone, and starts to dial a number.

"Hello?" Finn answers.

"Hey, Finn, I n-need your- help," she manages to slur out, before giggling insanely.

"Quinn, is that you? Are you drunk?" he demands.

"I need-help," she says again.

"I'm sorry, Quinn, but I'm on my way out, and I can't help you with your drunken problems." He slams the phone down, and for a moment, she just listens to the tone, before dialing the number she knows by heart, even when she's drunk.

"What is it, Quinn?" Artie asks with a sigh.

"I'm at- my house, and I need- help. It's R-Rachel," she forces out, and she can almost feel him become more alert over the phone.

He really is over there in ten minutes, in his special wheel chair adapted car. He manages to open the door, and even through her drunken stupor, she somehow pulls him in. He raises an eyebrow, and she can only giggle.

He sighs. "Help me lift her."

She grabs her by the back, and heaves her onto Artie's lap, who grimaces.

"She kissed me," Rachel slurs out of nowhere, and suddenly, it's as if everything in the world goes silent. Artie turns to stare at Quinn, an expression of surprise on his face, to which she can only respond to by smiling stupidly.

"I should have figured," he says softly, forcing himself out the door and down the ramp.

"I'm not gay," Rachel says, the same way she did earlier.

"Neither am I," she says, but her words are hard to understand, and in the end, she just collapses onto the couch to sleep, preparing for the hangover that will surely await her tomorrow.

.

She remembers everything. She remembers kissing Rachel, calling Finn, then Artie, and she definitely remembers getting very, very drunk, which would definitely be the explanation for the enormous headache she currently bears.

Evidently, Rachel remembers, too, because she doesn't call the next day, or the day after that, and when she summons the courage to ask Finn, he says she flew right back to New York, but didn't tell him why she was gone so quickly.

She half expects Rachel to have been convinced it was a drunk mistake, and laugh about it with her, but she knows that Rachel is the type of girl who can connect the dots, and for all she knows, Artie may have told her something, though she doubts the last part. He may hate her now, but he's not cruel.

She's surprised to find that kissing Rachel doesn't give her a sense of satisfaction. In fact, it leaves her lonelier than ever. She was in love with her for so long, and had so stupidly convinced herself they were meant to be together, when really, Rachel could never love her in that way. They would never find happiness together, because one couldn't reciprocate the other's affections.

She begins to wonder again whether love really is the key to happiness, or if that was just another cock and bull story invented by her mother.

It's probably the latter.

.

There must be some way to be happy, though. Artie may say differently, but so many other people seemed so happy in their everyday lives, and all she felt was misery.

It's this desire that leads her to her sister's house that night. The sister who, after all, always seemed so happy with her charmed life. She has a perfect husband, no reason to work, and plenty of time to travel.

In short, she has the life Quinn has always envisioned for herself.

She knows she can't have that, but she thinks that maybe if she absorbs everything there, maybe she could get an idea of how you get to this simple, blissful existence.

"How did your life get so perfect?" she asks as they sit at the dinner table, eating a fancy pre-prepared meal.

Caitlin smiles. "It just happens to people with good fortune."

"Are you happy?"

The question visibly shocks her sister. "Of course I am. I have everything I could ever want."

"I don't," she says with a sigh, and leans forward. "Caitlin, if I tell you a secret, will you swear you won't tell anyone else, even Mom?"

"You're not pregnant again, are you?" she asks, rolling her eyes, and Quinn takes a deep breath.

"No, I'm not," she says, and moves in closer, her heart pounding. "I'm…bisexual."

There it is. Telling the truth would make her happy, right? If she had someone know? Kurt and Blaine always said coming out made them happy, and even Santana thought so in the long run, so it _must _be how it's done.

"Get out."

The words snap her out of her thoughts. "Excuse me?"

"I said, get out," she says fiercely. "I'm not having a dyke under my roof."

"I'm not a lesbian," she says, but her sister's gaze scares her, so she hops out of her chair.

"You're as good as one," her sister says angrily. "Now leave."

She slams her chair against the table. "You supported me when I was pregnant," she says, tears stinging her eyes.

"Oh, please," her sister says, giving a cold laugh. "That was Jeremy."

She storms out of the house, passing Jeremy on his way in. "You okay, Quinn?"

"What happened to her?" she hears him ask. "Is she going to be fine?"

"Not if she wants to go to hell," Caitlin seers, and suddenly, she hears raised voices, and decides it's really time to run.

She doesn't know where she's going.

.

She doesn't know the exact date she knocks on his door, but knows it must have been before the end of the school year.

He opens the door, smiling cheerfully, but it drops off his face at the sight of her.

"Hi," he says, a little too formally for her taste, so she gives in and leans down to hug him. He seems surprised, but hugs her back.

"I miss this," she whispers, and this time, he hugs her back properly. She buries her head in his neck.

"Yeah, so do I," he responds. He sighs, and pushes her off gently. "Come on, then."

.

"I didn't really mean to kiss Rachel," she says once they're seated. "I- very stupidly, might I add-wanted to know what it would feel like, because I had been in love with her for so long, and I was…curious. But I wouldn't have done it while sober."

He nods. "Yet you kissed me while sober."

"I know," she says, grimacing. "I…I don't know what I was thinking. "You were my only source of comfort around then. You were the only person who made me feel better when I was lonely, or when I felt like the world was going to cave in on me. You were always there. You always knew the right thing to say, and you always made me smile. I…became dependant on you, the same way I was dependant on my parents, or boys that I had dated, or even Rachel, just for her very existence. I needed you in my life, just like I always knew I did. It's funny to say, but…you were my only source of happiness. I just don't think I realized that. So at the time, I thought it would be a great idea to see what kissing you was like, or maybe…I don't know.

"I think I always thought love was the key to happiness, and maybe that's true, but I was thinking of romantic love. I loved you, of course, and kissing you…I won't even lie. It was mainly because I wanted to feel loved and cared about by someone in that way. I wanted to be able to depend on someone like that. I wanted that safety net.

"Kissing Rachel didn't make me happy, either- it made me miserable, because I knew right then that she could never love me. Not the way I wanted her to. It wasn't until then that I finally gave up, and I think I finally have. It's no use clinging onto something that isn't there.

"I came out to my sister, and she started yelling at me. I thought that if I told someone else the truth, I might feel happy, but evidently, she was the wrong person to tell. The only right person, I suppose, was you, but you already knew. Just like you already knew everything about me, because you're the only person who knows _me_."

Artie keeps nodding throughout her story, but as she finishes, he opens his mouth to speak. "I loved you, you know."

Her eyes widen in shock. "Huh?"

"I loved you," he says, with an affirming nod of his head. "I think I always did, but I don't think I really understood it until we hugged at graduation. I had been losing my head while we were fighting, same as I've been losing my head for the past eight months or so. I missed being around you every second, and I regretted every harsh thing I said to you. So when you were smiling and laughing there, I knew I loved you, and that was it. I was never going to love anyone else but you.

"That's why it hurt so much when you kissed me, you know. It's also why I stopped you. I didn't want to be just another guy you were with to get over Rachel. I was hoping I meant more than that to you. I didn't think for a second you loved me back, because you were so madly in love with her. I didn't want to be just that in your life." He sighs. "So, I guess we're both pretty screwed up."

"Yeah," she agrees. "I guess we are. Hey, Artie?"

"Yeah?"

"Haven't you ever thought you were wrong about something?"

"Nah," he says, grinning. "I'm usually right."

"Okay," she says, "but what if you were wrong…or, to be more accurate, I was wrong?"

"Wrong about what?" he asks, his expression curious now.

"I think…I think I clung to being in love with her because I could. I did love her, I think, but I think I held onto that because I was in the habit of loving her more than anything. It sort of sucks, but I feel like it's true. I didn't feel very much when I kissed her."

He raises his eyebrows. "Oh?"

"Yeah," she says, grasping his hand. "And you know…I think I really liked kissing you. Because…it felt like I was coming home to something. I just didn't know that I had never left."

"Really?"

"Really," she says, leaning in closer. "I…I think I always felt something for you…in that way. You were the person I depended on most, and you don't know how lost I felt without you…not on a normal level. I couldn't survive without you, but it didn't occur to me _why, _because I'd convinced myself the only person I could ever be with was _her. _I think I was wrong.

"But I don't know how ready I am for…us. You know. I might need a little while. I'm sorry, and if that's too much, you can walk away at any time. If it hurts, and that won't work, I'll let you go completely."

He sighs. "Fabray, I was serious when I said I'd do anything for you."

She grins. "So…you would wait a little while for me to, I don't know…get over myself?"

He nods. "Sure. But…only if you give me one thing."

"What's that?"

"Kiss me once, and then you can have all the time you need, I swear."

She leaned even closer. Carefully, softly, she touches their lips together, and God, she likes it. His lips are as warm and comforting as she remembers, and she pushes closer, kissing him more deeply.

Surprisingly, Artie draws back first, grinning.

"I kind of liked that, you know."

"I figured…and for the record, you're a much better kisser than any of the others. Especially Puck."

"Well, now my life's complete."

"I figured it would be."

.

She stretches her feet out on the couch that night, waiting for Artie to get home.

Living together had been a major step, one she had been scared to take, but Artie, being Artie, helped her through it, as he always did.

She hears the door open, and runs over to help wheel him in. He grins at her. "Good day?"

She grins back. "Better now."

"You're kind of a sap, did you know that?"

"Yeah. But you love me."

He sighs. "That I do."

She throws in a movie, then helps him onto the couch. She lies next to him, and leans her head against his shoulder. He kisses her forehead.

Happiness is what she feels right then. The ironic thing, to her, is that the person who made her happiest had been sitting (literally) right in front of her the whole time. The best friend she had fallen in love with, despite her teenage declarations otherwise.

She hears from Rachel occasionally, and it makes her smile to see they've moved on from that night, but it doesn't fill her with joy the way it once might have.

Perhaps there isn't one way to be happy. No, she knows there isn't, and that the years she spent foolishly looking for it were wasted.

But she's happy. She doesn't need one big thing to make it that way, because she simply _is. _It's one of those things that you can feel at any different time.

It seems that everyone gets it in the end.

.

**The first thing I have to say is that I'm incredibly sorry I didn't get this out sooner. I don't have a whole lot of excuses, really. Secondly, I did not like this ending, and I won't be surprised if you don't, either. I typed about the last ten thousand words of this in seven hours last night, and I didn't expect it to be that long. Fun fact: a 25000 word story is equivalent to an a hundred page novel. Yikes. Anyway, as always, drop me a line, and I really hope you enjoyed my long, rambling, Quinn character study thing.**

**Love,**

**Kathleen**


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